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The Infamous But
Eliminating the word 'but' during times of tension and replacing it with a thoughtful 'and' changes the tone of the conversation to one of inclusion.
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Sacrificing vs. Generosity in Marriage: A Paradigm Shift
Sacrificing in marriage can lead to resentment. A paradigm shift to reciprocal acts of generosity can help to heal resentment.
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Mistakes Made During Conflict
Chris: Recently, Michelle and I were having a conversation about how we spend our free time. Actually, the argument started when Michelle asked, “What do you want to do this weekend?” It quickly escalated into an argument. Research on couple relationships shows that there are three common mistakes made during an argument. Here’s what it looked like for us. Mistake #1: You Change! It is easy for me to have a long list of what Michelle could and should do differently and a brief list of my own shortcomings. Unfortunately, pointing out Michelle’s flaws does not encourage change. Typically, when I ramble off these to her, she becomes defensive. Michelle: Chris said, “You…
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Behaviors, Communication, Conflict, Decision to Love, Forgiveness, Growth, Happiness, Perseverance, Resilience
Marriage – the Olympics of Relationships
Julie: John and I have really enjoyed watching the Olympics these past couple of weeks. Medals are won by fractions of a second. Partnerships are tested under pressure. Expectations run high. There is disappointment and elation. Marriage is the Olympics of Relationships. Both require preparation, endurance, resilience, and an unwavering commitment to something bigger than yourself.
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Ready for a Marriage Check-up?
If someone asks, “How’s your marriage?” how would you answer? It’s hard to give an objective answer. This week, we offer a short quiz you can take to evaluate how things are going in your marriage. Before we can move toward the goal of a better marriage, we need to know where we are currently. Doing this Marriage Check-up exercise helped us take stock of how we were doing. Here’s what we learned… We had a couple areas where Ken’s scores were higher than Janine’s (or vice-versa) – Parenting and Spirituality. We agreed the area where we struggle the most as a couple was Conflict Resolution. This all led to some…
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We’re Broken
Your marriage is broken… or at least that’s how it seems. Here’s a secret… we’re ALL broken. Both as individuals and as couples, we’re all broken in some way. We’re in constant need of repair and healing. From our past and in the present. And… just acknowledging this is huge. Although so many couples may seem perfect (or in a state of perpetual bliss), we all experience brokenness in marriage. We all cycle through stages of romance, disappointment, and disillusionment. But there’s hope and strength in knowing that we don’t have to be perfect. We just need to be willing to work on growing together rather than apart. ROMANCE KEN: This is the phase of our relationship I remember best: dating, honeymoon, and newlywed times. Boy-o-boy, were those good times. I spent a lot of time just yearning for those exact times to return. DISAPPOINTMENT JANINE: Shakespeare said, “Expectation is the root of all heartache.” When…
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Decisions, Decisions
Learn a simplified decision-making process for married couples. When facing hard choices, remember that "we" come first. This article outlines how to pause, zoom out, and make important decisions together for a stronger marriage.
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Verbal Judo – Harmonizing Your Tone of Voice
Some time ago, we wrote about the importance of being aware of the Tone of Voice we use with our spouse. The gist of the post was that our Tone of Voice is the key culprit that begins most disagreements, hurts, and fights between spouses. We want to revisit this important topic and provide some additional helpful hints we’ve learned along the way.
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To Be, or Not To Be…Right?
John For this week’s post, Julie and I thought we would share some insights into an interesting and sometimes puzzling dynamic in our relationship. It all has to do with the idea of “being right.” In the midst of our usually life-giving relationship, the need to “be right” can often get in the way. Worse than that, it can cause breakdowns in our relationship that need to be healed. This is a challenge that we deal with frequently but are striving to manage more effectively.
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How to Resolve Disagreements in Marriage
A few years ago we saw an article with the title: How to Resolve Disagreements in Marriage, by Nina Chen, Ph.D. Here’s what Dr. Chen, a Human Development Specialist, had to say: “There is no perfect marriage. Even happy, healthy marriages involve some conflict from time to time. Conflict is a normal part of sharing life with someone else. The key is to know how to deal with disagreement and conflict in a constructive way. These steps can help: 1. Set a specific time to work on the disagreement It is very important to discuss problems when both spouses can mentally and emotionally prepare. Writing down the problem before discussion…
