Removing the Invisibility Cloak
Chris:
When we first moved to Arizona from Oklahoma, I went from an on-site job, to working from home. My being home meant that my “honey-do” list grew, because my wife thought my lack of travel to an office could afford me plenty of time to complete all kinds of projects.
Michelle:
After a couple of years of living in Arizona, less and less items were being checked off my list. Then, one evening, I came home to find none of my list accomplished. I was frustrated. I remember wondering how he could be home all day and not do any of the items on my list. That evening, we had a conversation that went something like this:
Me: So, what did you do today?
Chris: Well, I avoided being taken for granted today!”
Me: What?
Chris: Over the last two years, do you realize how many items I have checked off your list on a daily basis? And, over the last two years, do you realize how many times you have acknowledged the things I have done?
My eyes widened as I realized I had left a list and just expected them to be done. I noticed when things were not getting done and I certainly noticed when nothing was done but I could not think of a single time I had said something about all the things he had done.
Chris:
My wife is typically someone who acknowledges a person’s accomplishments. So why were mine, seemingly invisible?
Michelle:
I wish I could say that I had a movie character reaction where I suddenly accepted my behavior and immediately asked for forgiveness. But sadly, I did not. I began with defending my lists as ways to help him know what needed to get done. Then, I moved into an indignant attitude, where I began laying out what it would look like if I worked from home. Finally, when I decided I had said enough, I walked out of the room. As I moved around the house in silence, finding things to keep me busy, I replayed our conversation in my mind. I realized that I had never heard my husband accuse someone of taking advantage of him. And, while at times, my husband can be dramatic, when he points something out in a moment of anger, it is typically, exactly what he is meaning to say.
Chris:
We have now lived in Arizona for almost twelve years and I no longer feel invisible. The solution, simple statements that Michelle says that let’s me know that she sees me and I am valued. Sentences like, “I noticed how tired you were tonight and yet you still found time to make dinner. Thank you.” Or, “I can’t believe you were able to install the new faucets. I think we picked the perfect ones.”
Michelle:
While Harry Potter may have believed that being cloaked in invisibility was a source of great power, we believe that our strength comes when we truly see one another.
