Mistakes Made During Conflict

Chris:

Recently, Michelle and I were having a conversation about how we spend our free time. Actually, the argument started when Michelle asked, “What do you want to do this weekend?” It quickly escalated into an argument. Research on couple relationships shows that there are three common mistakes made during an argument. Here’s what it looked like for us.

Mistake #1: You Change! It is easy for me to have a long list of what Michelle could and should do differently and a brief list of my own shortcomings. Unfortunately, pointing out Michelle’s flaws does not encourage change. Typically, when I ramble off these to her, she becomes defensive. 

Michelle:

Chris said, “You know, you should learn to cook. Then, you could help out with meal planning and preparation.” I am not sure what he expected when he said that. Did he think I would magically agree?  Maybe he thought I would say, “Wow Chris, you are right. I think I will take a cooking class and then I can help with the meal planning and preparation.” Well, spoiler alert, I didn’t. I began a list of my own items that I thought he could learn. Turns out, neither of us wants a spreadsheet of the things we do wrong.

Chris:

Mistake #2: Protest Louder. This is my go-to during an argument. And if literally yelling doesn’t work, I will try sarcasm, bullying and name-calling. During that same argument I went for the trifecta of protesting loudly when I yelled, “Oh you’re right Michelle. You’re perfect and could never do anything wrong. I think you might be the first person to be canonized a saint before death.”  Surprisingly, yelling and sarcasm did not make me right, it just made my wrong heard at a different decibel. 

Michelle:

Mistake #3: The Silent Treatment. At some point during an argument, I will shut down. My typical shut-down response is quite literally staying quiet. But I have also agreed to anything or offered an empty apology, just to make the argument stop. During this argument, I went for the obvious. I stayed quiet while he yelled and when he was finished, I got up and left the room. However, I realized that what felt like a power-move in the moment, was just an avoidance strategy. The argument had not been resolved.  

Chris:

What started as a simple question about weekend plans quickly spiraled into a masterclass on how not to argue. In each of our mistakes, neither of us acknowledged the other. We went for the triggers and continued to hurt one another. Nothing was resolved during the argument because neither of us felt heard and we both feared that nothing would change. By breaking down our ‘Mistake Triple Threat’—pointing fingers, yelling louder, and the silent treatment—Michelle and I realized that when we fight for our ‘side’ instead of our relationship, no one actually wins (and the weekend plans still don’t get made).