Playing Games
“You sunk my battleship!” was a TV ad tagline we used to hear about a popular game when we were younger. So many memories were about fun games we would play. But in our marriage, playing games can be dangerous.
Playing Games in Our Relationship
Nick: In our relationship, Jen is the one of us who is most bothered by clutter. Knowing this, when I’m not really wanting to do a lot of housework, I can too easily give in to playing games. When I notice Jen starts taking on some bit of cleaning or reorganizing, I play the game of pretending not to notice. I benefit from having a chore done just because I wait it out. She will give in first when there is a mess to be dealt with.
A better game to play would be to stop pretending. When Jen is about to jump in and clean up after a dinner she just made, I can step in and help out instead of leaving it to her.
Jen: In our relationship, Nick is the one of us who is ready to be intimate more frequently. I know this about him, so when I’m not really ‘feeling it’ I can too easily give into game playing. I may notice that Nick is flirting and making suggestive comments. I play the game of pretending not to notice and snuggle into my side of the bed alone leaving Nick to wonder if he should pursue me or just go to sleep.
A better game to play would be to be to recognize Nick’s passion for intimacy. When Nick is sending obvious signals that he is interested in fooling around, I can be honest if I have any real objections, or I can consider seriously what he seems to want or need and figure out how to best respond instead of shutting him down by simply ignoring him.
Keeping the Games Out of Our Relationship
Nick: For me, avoiding playing unfair games with Jen is something I have to put conscious effort into. It is easy for me to remember small slights. I’m prone to stack them up like points against Jen, but that is not fair to her. Instead, I need to choose to keep our serious conversations in the moment. I have to avoid rehashing past history so I’m not playing games to win against Jen. I try to ask myself: what is more important: winning according to my own rules or being connected to Jen? I’m far from perfect, but I strive to choose our relationship over winning a game I stacked for Jen to lose.
Jen: I also have to put conscious effort into not playing games with Nick. For instance, knowing that Nick tends to be more hard-nosed with our adult kids than I am, I may passively suggest that I don’t like the way one of our kids is making life choices in an effort to get Nick to act on it. When I reflect on this, I realize that this is more of an example of me needing to re-shape my reactions. I need to find a better way to be a team with Nick in parenting rather than trying to shift all the responsibility to him.
Don’t Play Games
Knowing the kind of person my spouse is means that I know how to set the rules so that I can play games only I can win. Being responsible means that, even knowing this, I will always play fair for the sake of our relationship.
