The Empty Nest Revisited

With the holidays right around the corner, our empty nest is about to be repopulated as all of our kids come home for Christmas. While we love having them here, it can cause tension and stress when they forget they are adults and fall back into their familiar patterns as siblings and kids. How do we deal with this so that we can keep the peace in the nest and make merry memories together?

Julie: When our kids were small, it was easy to keep peace in the nest. Mama and Daddy bird had the final say and that was it. Ah, little kids, little problems. Things got a little trickier as those baby birds grew into fledglings. As our kids grew and stretched their wings, they asserted their increasing independence and often challenged our rules and decisions. As young adults who have left the nest, they are more respectful when they return home, but things can still get a little tense as we are still their parents and they are still our kids.

John: We recently had the opportunity to have both of our out-of-state daughters home, one each on two consecutive long weekends. It was wonderful to have them here, back in their old bedrooms, sitting around chatting in our family room like in the old days. Along with the many aspects of their visit that delighted us, there were definitely a few irritating moments when they slipped back into their old behaviors. This isn’t the first time this has happened, nor will it be the last, but fortunately, we were all able to move beyond the tension fairly quickly so that the rest of the visit was truly memorable.

Julie: We have come up with 5 ways to help make the most of our kids’ visits home, create harmony, and have a great time.

1. Be clear about expectations. When we awoke to a messy kitchen and bathroom, we gently reminded them that we expect them to please clean up after themselves. It didn’t happen again.

2. Find the right balance between family and friends. Since they were home for only a few days, we wanted to maximize the time they had with extended family. We also, however, respected their desire to spend time with their old friends in the area. We carefully planned the weekends ahead of time, with their input, to find the right balance.

3. Put trust first, worry second. Each of our daughters asked to have one of our cars for evening outings while they were home. We readily agreed and also just as readily let them know that we wanted them to be careful and stay safe. We did, however, ask them to text us when they arrived to their destinations when the weather turned dicey (see #1). This helped us to have a worry-free evening at home while they were out.

4. Remind them that we are all adults. This is usually enough to get them to stop in their tracks if sibling squabbling or old sibling rivalries start to flare up.

5. Plan for some quiet face-to-face time with just us. We made sure to reserve a few unstructured hours where we could be together, just us. We wanted them to know that time with them was still a very high priority for us. Whether chilling together on the couch, playing a game of cards, or going for a walk around the neighborhood, we created the opportunity for great conversations to take place.

John: While we enjoy the freedom of having an empty nest, we have found that having the empty nest repopulated can be incredibly joyful and brings a lightheartedness to our relationship long after the kids are gone.