Sacrificing vs. Generosity in Marriage: A Paradigm Shift
Sacrificing in marriage can be seen as a willingness to put your partner’s needs above your own, which can sometimes lead to anger and resentment. We’d like to suggest a paradigm shift from Sacrificing in Marriage to Generosity in Marriage.
Sacrificing in Marriage Can Lead to Resentment
In a study posted in 2021, Francesca Righetti breaks down the nature of sacrifice and demonstrates the ways it can affect a marriage. Sacrificing is giving up something one values for the sake of your spouse. Unlike compromise, sacrifice is unilateral. Because of this, sacrifice can lead to seeing oneself as a martyr and the judgment “you owe me.”
Resentment — Our Story
MF: Early in our marriage, we moved back to Tom’s home town which offered a great opportunity for him to pursue his career. Staying in a larger metropolitan area would have provided me with more opportunities to practice my career. This move was less than ideal for me and because of this I chose to be a stay at home mom. I felt resentment, but over time this feeling was replaced with joy in raising wonderful kids. I resumed my career later in life and continue to work now that Tom is retired. When Tom asks my thoughts about dinner at 6pm when I get home after a 10 hour work day — I can think “What! I raised 5 kids and had dinner on the table when you got home!” My old Resentment can still sneak up to bite me.
Tom: Resentment comes in all shapes and sizes. I am typically the one to let the dog out or to let a cat in who broke curfew and wants in at 2 am. I see myself sacrificing so MF can sleep. This can lead to resentment and score keeping as in “I do most of the work in caring for the pets.” Sharing this with MF can resurface her resentments and backfire big time.
Paradigm Shift From Sacrificing to Generosity
We recently read a piece by Henri Nouwen: “Generosity begets generosity . . . especially when generosity is rooted in the rich soil of related-ness . . . You won’t become poorer; you will become richer by giving.” The paradigm shift from sacrificing to generosity touched us deeply.
Our Paradigm Shift to Generosity
TOM: Making the paradigm shift from sacrificing to generosity was relatively easy for me. Greeted by a parti-poodle who is so full of joy (not to mention relief from a full bladder) is a great way to start the day. Letting the dog out or the cats back in allows me to be generous with MF in enabling her to awaken feeling rested and ready for her work day. And Jazzy is a wonderful companion in my retirement while MF is at work. She is a gift of generosity that we gave each other.
MF: For me, dealing with resentment, letting go and healing has been a bit more of a journey. The process is ongoing and requires a change of heart and effort from both me and Tom. I am blessed by Tom’s patience when my regrets, hurts and resentment resurface when I least expect it. I find the paradigm shift to generosity requires being gentle with myself, and a daily practice of expressing my gratitude toward Tom. Gratitude for his run to the post office, cleaning the sheets and putting them back on the bed or simply being glad to see me when I walk in the door after a tiring day. Baby steps are key.
If you or someone you love is struggling with hurt, anger, and resentment you might find this post on 6-steps to heal resentment helpful. I know I have. Simply acknowledging those feelings is step one. Accept those baby steps as progress. It is a journey, and you are in it together.
Love is, Above all, the Gift of Oneself
Seeing ourselves as generous, rather than sacrificing has been a Paradigm Shift for us. Generosity is a gift freely given, minimizing guilt and resentment. It is looking at the work of relationship through rose-colored glasses. Sacrificing is the color of poo. This has been a game changer. It has brought us back to a daily habit both expressing gratitude for each other and a daily practice of generosity toward each other (see Intentional Gifting).
Generosity beats sacrificing and resentment. We encourage you to Live it daily!
