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Earning a Time Out
Marriage requires serious accountability to each other in order to last. This is why we are wary of advice to spend time away from each other as if that alone will improve our relationship. Perfectly valid solo activities can be chosen for the wrong reasons, particularly when the reason is avoiding my spouse.
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Playing Games
“You sunk my battleship!” was a TV ad tagline we used to hear about a popular game when we were younger. So many memories were about fun games we would play. But in our marriage, playing games can be dangerous.
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Mistakes Made During Conflict
Chris: Recently, Michelle and I were having a conversation about how we spend our free time. Actually, the argument started when Michelle asked, “What do you want to do this weekend?” It quickly escalated into an argument. Research on couple relationships shows that there are three common mistakes made during an argument. Here’s what it looked like for us. Mistake #1: You Change! It is easy for me to have a long list of what Michelle could and should do differently and a brief list of my own shortcomings. Unfortunately, pointing out Michelle’s flaws does not encourage change. Typically, when I ramble off these to her, she becomes defensive. Michelle: Chris said, “You…
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Yelping My Spouse Round One
Chris: As a small business owner, our reviews on Yelp can make or break us. We thought it might be funny to give one another a Yelp review. Here is what we came up with. Michelle: Yelping my husband. Vendor Evaluation: Navigation & Transportation Title: How Many Times Are You Going to Have Siri Say, “Recalculating”? Rating: ⭐ (1/5 Stars) — Would give 0 stars but we did actually arrive at our destination. Contractor Name: Chris (The Navigator)-believes he is a human GPS. Project Scope: A 2-hour one-way trip to Phoenix. The Service Encounter: the Navigator insisted on “taking a shortcut” to avoid a 12-minute delay on the highway. This decision was made without consulting the Primary Stakeholder (me)…
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Coasting
Picture it – you’re on a bicycle, you’ve pedaled and pedaled and put some effort into making it go, and now you are coasting along. The wind in your face feels cool and refreshing and the effort you’re having to put in at this point is minimal – it’s like the bicycle could keep going forever on its own. But if you’re not having to peddle anymore and the bicycle is still moving it can mean only one thing: You’re heading downhill. Now imagine that this is a bicycle built for two and it represents your marriage. Coasting is a dangerous game to play. Downhill coasting can pick up speed…
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Wash War I
Michelle: One evening after dinner was over and the dishes had been washed; I went to the sink to get a glass of water. I was shocked to find that the sink had not been rinsed out, and food particles were beginning to form small islands. I very intentionally and very breezily said, “Hey, next time you do the dishes, can you make sure to rinse the sink?” Chris: What I heard, “Hey, you did the dishes wrong.” How I responded, “Next time, I will leave the dishes for you to do since you always do them perfectly and therefore, we know the task will be completed to perfection.” As…
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Emotional Baggage
Chris: Recently, while returning home from a trip, the wheel of our suitcase broke. It was the last leg of the trip and both of us looked at our suitcase like it had failed us in some way. We were tired from traveling all day and the last thing we wanted to do was have to switch back and forth, carrying a broken suitcase through the airport. So, in that moment, the easiest thing to do was to blame the suitcase for being faulty. We both had convinced ourselves that it was a bad suitcase and how could the company put out something so awful. Never mind that we had…
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Are We Scrolling by Our Relationship? (Repost)
The convenience our smartphones provide has come at a cost that we all feel. We see it when we’re out in public, with people staring at their phones rather than paying attention to their loved ones. One way of recognizing the problem with this comes from Drs. John and Julie Gottman – identifying how we make “bids” for attention from our partners. Paying attention to our cell phones makes it likely we’ll miss those bids and end up hurting each other.
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The Grace of Healing
Chris: Recently, Michelle’s boss gave her a surprise day off work. Michelle assumed, that because I work from home, I would be willing to drop what I was doing and, in her words, “go on a fun road trip together”. When Michelle presented me with the idea, her enthusiasm and excitement frustrated me. I was so annoyed about her, “fun adventure” that after she finished saying what we could do, I crossed my arms and snapped, “Oh sure Michelle. My work is insignificant. Let me drop everything I have planned today so that I can cater to your whims.” Unfortunately, I did not stop there. I decided in that moment,…
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Practice What You Preach
Michelle: One day our daughter Taryn came home from school and said, “The word practice is really confusing.” It can mean to work at something to gain skill, like when I practice my different tumbling passes at cheer. But it can also mean to be a professional at something. Like a doctor has a medical practice.” Chris: Taryn’s confusion about the word ‘practice’ really made me think. I responded, “It can also mean to carry out or do something-like practice what you preach.” Why is it important to practice what we preach? People should be attracted by our light in the way we live and in the words we speak. …
