Coasting

Picture it – you’re on a bicycle, you’ve pedaled and pedaled and put some effort into making it go, and now you are coasting along. The wind in your face feels cool and refreshing and the effort you’re having to put in at this point is minimal – it’s like the bicycle could keep going forever on its own. But if you’re not having to peddle anymore and the bicycle is still moving it can mean only one thing: You’re heading downhill.

Now imagine that this is a bicycle built for two and it represents your marriage. Coasting is a dangerous game to play. Downhill coasting can pick up speed quickly.

What does coasting look like in marriage?

Jen: At times, coasting in our marriage is the ease of getting used to having others pitch in to help. For instance, Nick used to work at a job only 10-15 minutes from our house. Many nights he would come home from work and offer to help with dinner to give me a break. His Love Language is Acts of Service, so offering to do a job for me is his way of showing me love. Over time, I began to anticipate Nick coming home and helping with dinner or even having our kids walk in and offer to help.

Fast forward to today, when 3 days a week Nick has an hour-long commute (one-way). Our kids are all busy going about their own activities. We still have to eat and much of the cooking again falls on my shoulders. What began as coasting has become a high-speed downhill ride where I am careening into unmet expectations and a disconnect. I feel resentful, worn down, and impatient at times when I start to make dinner or someone asks me what time we are going to eat. In coasting downhill, I let my expectations shift and I stopped wanting to do the work.

It’s not enough to recognize when I’m coasting. I have to take action to start pedaling again. In this instance, I use a whiteboard menu in our pantry. Everyone is made aware of the meal plans for the week. I also make sure I ask for help when I need it. Most of the time, Nick just needs an invitation to help me with the cooking, and this can work wonders for the rest of our evening after.

Nick: An example where I coast is where I let go of listening attentively to Jen. Sometimes, I listen particularly well and relax a little too much. It’s like I’m giving myself extra credit for listening well, so that entitles me to believe we’re in a good place, so I can just relax. At times like these, I might be doing my own thing or allow my mind to wander or even (shudder) start scrolling on my phone in the middle of a conversation.

Any of these forms of letting things slide downhill result in our relationship paying the price. I miss something Jen is saying, then I can see from her facial expression and body language that I did. It’s like that scene in the Lego Movie where the guy says “I think I got it, but just in case… tell me the whole thing again, I wasn’t listening.” I need to make sure I don’t fall from good listening to tuning out because I think things are going well.