Yelping My Spouse Round One

Chris:

As a small business owner, our reviews on Yelp can make or break us. We thought it might be funny to give one another a Yelp review. Here is what we came up with.

Michelle:

Yelping my husband.

Vendor Evaluation: Navigation & Transportation

Title: How Many Times Are You Going to Have Siri Say, “Recalculating”?

Rating: ⭐ (1/5 Stars) — Would give 0 stars but we did actually arrive at our destination. 

Contractor Name: Chris (The Navigator)-believes he is a human GPS. 

Project Scope: A 2-hour one-way trip to Phoenix.  

The Service Encounter: the Navigator insisted on “taking a shortcut” to avoid a 12-minute delay on the highway. This decision was made without consulting the Primary Stakeholder (me) or the actual, functioning technology streaming through the Apple Car Play.  

The Proposed Route: Navigator said he knew of a shortcut which would take us off the highway and “around the ridiculous traffic”. 

The Actual Route: A tour of a maximum-security prison city with multiple signs warning not to pick up hitchhikers, a turn down a dead-end road and so many expletives that the primary stakeholder may need a cleansing.

The Execution Phase:

• I Know Exactly Where We Are: The Navigator relayed much confidence when he loudly conveyed, “I know exactly where we are!” 
• The Give Me a Route to Proceed to: The Navigator seemed to be having a one-sided debate with Siri when she prompted him to proceed to the route. Siri would instruct, “Proceed to the route.” The Navigator would yell, “Give me a route to proceed to.” Siri would repeat, “Proceed to the route.” The Navigator would yell, “Siri, you’re not listening! Give me a route to proceed to.” This exchange lasted an exhausting 10 minutes. 
• The I Told You I Knew Exactly Where I Was: At the 3-hour mark of our 2-hour journey, the Navigator passed a Sonic that was near the destination. When the Primary Stakeholder asked if we could stop at Sonic for a drink, the Navigator said, “I told you I knew exactly where I was.”  

The Performance Audit 

• Communication: 2/10. The Navigator used vague hand gestures and expletives for all lines of communication. 
• Emotional Stability: 4/10. Points deducted for the “silent treatment” that lasted the from the 1 hour and 35-minute mark through arrival at Sonic.  
• ETA Accuracy: 0/10. We arrived at our destination 45 minutes late to which the Navigator commented that he said we should have left earlier.  

Management Response: the Navigator said that Siri should have worked with him and believes that her destination times that are inaccurate. 

The Verdict: the Navigator has been stripped of all “Let’s take a shortcut” privileges. While he will still be doing the driving, the Navigator will stick to Siri’s routes.

Project Status: the Navigator is currently trying to prove that Siri’s arrival time is just her best guess and she is just asking for a race to see who wins. 

Chris:

Yelping my wife.

Vendor Evaluation: The Laundry Folding Performance Review

Title: Technically Folded, But Visually Offensive.

Rating: ⭐ ⭐ (2/5 Stars)  

Contractor Name: Michelle(the Folder)-innovator of Burrito Fold Method.

 Project Scope: Asked to fold shirts, underwear, shorts and socks

The Service Encounter: The Folder was tasked with a standard fold and put away.  What I received can only be described as The Burrito Method.  All of my clothes were rolled into tight unrecognizable cylinders and shoved in the drawers like they were hiding from the cops.    

Pro: The socks were matched (a rare seasonal special).   

Con: Everything looked like it was folded by a toddler. 

Management Response:  When brought to the Contractor’s attention, she replied, “It’s close enough.”   

Verdict: I have been a loyal patron of this establishment for over 20 years, and while The Contractor is genuinely charming and provides excellent support, the laundry department continues to underperform.  While I will continue to use this business because I find The Contractor easy on the eyes, I may have to outsource this task to a professional or just do it myself while sighing very loudly.

Stay tuned for more Yelp reviews in the future!