Loving Each Other in Spite of Our Differences
It’s no secret. We are different, two unique individuals formed from different backgrounds and experiences. While this frequently leads to us complementing each other, it can sometimes cause us to clash. Loving each other in spite of our differences is a decision we can make to break through these times of conflict.
Julie: I love helping others and have a hard time saying no when people ask me to do things. This has enhanced our relationship when I have encouraged John to join me. We’ve met a lot of great people this way, some who’ve become lifelong friends. I’ve also gotten John to try new things, like community theater, which is a lot of fun and brings playfulness and laughter into our relationship. When we experience things together, we are much more empathetic and patient with each other. But there can be Trouble in River City when I commit to more than I should. I become overwhelmed and can get downright cranky. I sometimes wrongly take my frustration out on John by being short with him, creating conflict.
John: I am thorough and diligent about my work to maintain our home both inside and out. Julie loves that our lawn always looks freshly manicured, that our birdfeeders are always filled, and that she can always find things because they are usually where they belong. But there can be a dark side to these traits when I go outside to make small progress on some unfinished job, telling Julie I will be “right back in”, and then end up spending hours outside. This can portray that I care more about meaningless busy work than spending free time with Julie. As a result, resentment can creep in, leading to conflict. So how do we handle this?
Recognize and Accept Our Differences
Julie: Loving each other in spite of our differences starts with recognizing and accepting these differences. Walking a mile in John’s shoes certainly helps to tenderize my heart. For example, John is a very punctual person and, well, I am not. He likes to get there early and I like to show up right on time, which usually means arriving late as we run into a minor road delay or a trip back into the house to retrieve a forgotten item. After recognizing and talking about this difference, I was better able to understand John’s perspective and the embarrassment he feels when we are late.
Make the Decision to Love
Julie: I now make a conscious effort to get my act together so that we can arrive to events a little early or at least on time. Making this decision to love by changing my behavior validates John. If it is important to him, then I’m making it important to me, too. I’ve even discovered it can be a lot less stressful NOT dashing through the airport to catch our plane!
Give Positive Feedback
John: Giving Julie positive feedback is another important step. When I can see that she is making an effort to help us be on time, I let her know how much I genuinely appreciate it. MY positive behavior encourages HER positive behavior.
Like snowflakes, Julie & I will always be unique, but loving each other in spite of our differences can certainly make our marriage a much more joyful place!
