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Marriage ScoreCard
Photo Credit: Steve Halama You may have heard marriage described as a 50/50 proposition with each partner contributing 50% to equal the presumed goal of 100%. While marriage is not a game, it is common to judge our effort like contestants in a competition.
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What Happened to Our Passion?
Do you find yourself wondering, “What happened to us?!?!” At some point, we all do. We long for those days when we were dating and first married. We were full of passion for each other and so in love. Our lovemaking was frequent and passionate. It seemed we couldn’t get enough of each other. How did we get to a place where we were rubbing together like sandpaper, each doing our own thing?
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Advice From a Divorce Lawyer
Yes, this is a strange twist. We recently heard about James J Sexton’s book,“If You’re in My Office, It’s Already Too Late.” James is a divorce attorney from New York, who started noticing some patterns after 20 years of working with couples whose marriages were ending.
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In-Laws or Outlaws?
Paul: For many married couples, in-laws can be a source of great stress and discontent. We are fortunate that our experience has been very different. When we were first married, I really appreciated how my parents treated Stephanie like their own daughter. They engaged her in meaningful conversation, sought out her opinion about things, and made it a point to include her in all family events.
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The Secret Recipe of Intimacy
Photo Credit: Soroush Karimi In our last post we hinted at the complexity of intimacy, especially in the context of forgiveness and healing (1/13/19). Intimacy involves more than sex. In fact sex can sometimes be anything but intimate. Many authors and psychologists speak of at least 4 components to deep and sustained intimacy. They often include emotional, intellectual, spiritual and physical intimacy. We like to think of this as the ‘Secret Recipe.’ To achieve this Intimacy we both need to desire and be willing to work towards intimacy.
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Good Grief
Learning how to grieve as a couple has been a process. Ten years ago, we stumbled through intense grief together for the first time when Mel’s Dad died. Together we learned to navigate the memories, tears, and the occasional meltdown.
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Lovemaking in the Context of Healing
A wonderful aspect of our lovemaking is the emotional bonding that is such a gift to our relationship. This intimate bonding can enable healing after conflict and even in the midst of conflict. Lovemaking can be like a dance, one may pursue while the other hesitates. Often I find lovemaking opens me to intimacy while Mary Frances finds she needs to experience intimacy to be open to lovemaking. The “dance” is meeting enough in the middle that this mystery can continue to enrich our marriage.
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Count Down to Christmas — TMI!
The weeks before Christmas can be hectic, creating tension in the best of marriages. We get wrapped up in the craziness of the season and the stress of work and family. The To Do List grows: last minute gifts to purchase and cards to mail, cleaning, baking and one more party to attend. Christmas can become a project that is never done! Thank goodness for deadlines; they can be a godsend.
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Assume Positive Intent
I (Mark) can be pessimistic at times and it seems natural for me to assume negative intent. I prefer to look at all angles and outcomes, with emphasis on worst case scenarios. An example was when Mel forgot to text me when her plane landed as she was going to visit her mom in Phoenix. I judged that she didn’t care as much about me as she did for her mom. When Mel finally did call and tried to share her excitement about being with her mom, I quickly squelched her excitement with my accusatory tone and cutting words.
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Opposites Attract?
While out for dinner recently, we placed our order with the server and once again said, “Opposites attract!” Mark enjoyed meat and potatoes with a glass of sweet white wine, and Mel had fish with a dry red wine. We remarked on how opposite our orders were and reminisced about our differences and how they have impacted our marriage.
