Marriage, Inc.

Before we got married, we thought we were a normal couple. We spoke about our values. We shared our expectations. We went to the required premarital class. But none of that prepared us to have an argument over a glass, a sink, a sock… 

If you think about it, marriage is less like a fairy tale and more like launching a company. Research says that starting a company is one of the hardest things to do. What they don’t  tell you is that getting married is basically the same thing. But for this start-up, your co-founder sleeps in your bed, eats your snacks, and takes feedback very personally. Both parties are deeply committed but also slightly confused about what is happening at any given moment. And yet, somehow, can passionately defend their position like two people in a boardroom trying not to lose control. So, marriage at its core, is a startup, here’s how. 

Launch Day:

Our wedding day. We had big plans and a shared vision! We both went in with the idea that it was us against the world. We are going to win at life! We have what it takes to go the distance! We will be amazing! 

Risks:

Every startup has risks. In our marriage, those risks are statements that make one of us cringe and should actually come with significant consequences: 

• Michelle: “I wasn’t listening, can you repeat that?” 
  Consequence: the silent treatment 

• Chris: “I was just about to do that.” 
  Consequence: doing it immediately… while being watched 

• Michelle: “I will only be five minutes.” 
  Consequence: a timed follow-up audit 

• Chris: “Relax, just calm down.” 
  Consequence: immediate loss of speaking privileges 

• Michelle: “That’s not what I said.” 
  Consequence: instant replay 

• Chris: “I don’t see it. Where is it?” 
  (The item is directly in front of him.) 
  Consequence: a guided visual tour. 

Strategy Meetings:

Start-ups have meaningful strategy meetings. In our marriage, strategy meetings look like this:

·   Per a text message, Michelle will communicate that we are having a strategy meeting to determine how to get the glass into the dishwasher rather than near the dishwasher. 

·   Per a text message, Chris will communicate that we are having a strategy meeting to determine when would be a good time to have an outdoor ‘business meeting’ involving eighteen holes.   

Pivots:

Start-ups have to assess where they are and determine when pivots are needed. Pivots in our marriage can be:

Things are going along well, everything is fine and then suddenly, based on one sentence, we realize that we are in full strategic overhaul. “Ohhhh…we are not talking about the stuff that was left in the sink anymore. We are talking about respect. Got it!” 

Roles and Responsibilities:

Start-ups have assigned roles and responsibilities to ensure everyone knows their part. In our marriage sometime the ‘roles’ conversation sounds something like this: 

“I thought you were handling that.” 
“No, I thought YOU were handling that.” 
And now no one is handling it. 

Stand-Out Features:

Start-ups need something that makes them stand out from the other companies marketing the same thing. In our marriage, features that stand out: 

·         Cussing at appliances, inanimate objects and other drivers sharing the road 

·         Quickly draining battery life if hungry or after 10 p.m. 

·         Overestimating how long or short something will take 

·         Ability to rename doing something wrong into doing something creatively different 

But, here’s the thing: underneath it all, there’s something deeper happening. Our marriage isn’t about getting it right all the time. It’s choosing to laugh instead of keeping score. It’s realizing the argument about the sink was never really about the sink. It’s recognizing that we aren’t opponents—we are partners and teammates..  We are messy, imperfect and sometimes downright confusing. But we are always still worth it!