The Infamous But

3 Words I never (well, almost never) say to my spouse is the subject of an article by a Couples Therapist, Zach Brittle. “No,” “But” and “You.” The Infamous “But” has been a game changer for us. This is especially important when we sense tension rising in our relationship.

3 Little Words

Never say “No” when you can creatively switch it up to a “Yes.” Think: What can I say Yes to?
Stick to “I” statements especially in conflict.
Replacing “But” with “And” has been an eye opener for us.

Let’s Get Rid of the “But”

Think of the following common scenarios:

“I know I’m late, but . . .”

“I promised to help you, but . . .”

“I hear you, but . . .”

“I’m sorry, but . . .”

The author writes that this little 3 letter word — “But” diminishes whatever comes before it. Most of us know “I’m sorry, but . . .” is a major faux pas. The word “but” in these other scenarios carries similar hurt and potential grief.

“But” Can Be Like an Eyeroll

When we use the word ‘but’ in these scenarios it is almost always followed by an intentional pause or a deep breath, implying “and this is what I really want you to hear.” “But” is a short little place holder while you craft your rebuttal.

“But” has power and implies: It’s not my fault. Whatever came up is more important. Basically, you were not my priority, and we are off to the races.

Switching “But” to “And” is a Game Changer

Switching one 3-letter word for another allows both statements to be equally true at once. “And” gives equal emphasis. “But” minimizes responsibility. “And” accepts responsibility. Let’s play out some scenarios:

I really want to help you. Something came up. “And” is there a possibility we could do you project tomorrow or perhaps a little later in the day. I really want to help.

I hear you. “and” I want to be there for you. What can I do to support you now?

“But” vs. “And” — You Choose

“But” pushes the spouse away and focuses all the attention on the person proclaiming the “But . . .” It creates hurt, division and confrontation.
“And” has the power of includion, invites dialogue, and sets the tone for a very different confrontation.

It takes some crafting and creativity to think of Yes statements, to remember to use I statements and to keep “but” out of our vocabulary especially in times of tension.

There have been many times since writing this that we have had to hit re-wind, “kick but” so to speak, But it is worth it. There are times when it is acceptable to use “But” — And that is one!