Marriage Is a Teeter-Totter Ride

If you’ve spent time on a playground before 2004, you’ve probably hopped on a teeter-totter. Marriage is a teeter-totter ride. It can be relaxing, a gentle give and take. Marriage, like a teeter-totter can also be an experience of thrilling highs and the dizzying feeling of dropping low.

The Rules of Teeter-Totter Life

TOM: Let me explain 3 Rules that are a staple of our teeter-totter life.

• Rule #1 is to find the ‘perfect’ partner. On a teeter-totter, it’s your equal in weight. In marriage, it’s someone who brings balance to your life. Someone whom you trust will not bail out when you are in the air or brake so hard as to catapult you to the ground. No one is perfect all the time, but a partner whom you trust is KEY.
• Rule #2 is to accept that marriage is a series of ups and downs or a give and take. Do this by taking a long view of equality. Don’t define it day-to-day. If you believe everything must always be perfectly fair, you will stay stuck in the middle, in absolute balance. Safe, but not fun.
• Rule #3 is to hang on and enjoy the ride. Experience the exhilaration of being lifted up and hold on tight through the bumps. Slow it down to a gentle ride or challenge each other as you quicken the pace. All the while, enjoy the laughter, exhilaration and thrill in your relationship.

Our Teeter-Totter Marriage and the 5 C’s of Relationship

MF

The Early Years of Our Marriage

I struggled with balance in the early years of our marriage because my hopes and dreams for a family and pursuing my career were not met. This left me feeling frustrated and disappointed. During this time I found it easier to be angry and blame Tom. As a result, I probably braked hard and catapulted Tom more than once. I was jealous that he could have it all and jealousy does not make for a very pretty bride. I frequently saw myself as a single parent with 5 little ones and day-to-day equality was non-existent.

The 7-year itch struck and fortunately we attended a Marriage Encounter Experience. We learned to identify and express our feelings and our needs. We came to understand that real Communication, not slamming doors would enable us to rebuild trust. (See Slamming Cupboard Doors.)

Fast Forward 6 Years

Time flies and our youngest was soon in kindergarten. The medical community had changed as well and Tom was able to welcome me into his practice as a partner. He was a stellar coach. I didn’t have to ask twice if I needed time off to be with a sick kiddo or out early to carpool to a basketball game. This led to a favorite phrase: “Those are the perks when you sleep with the boss.” I could not have had a better partner.

We were experiencing the thrill of the ride. Collaboration came easy and the playground could not have been merrier. Even the bumps were cushioned with Compassion. Sharing chores was a breeze — nothing like giving Tom a power tool, like a vacuum cleaner, to see his eyes twinkle with delight.

Some 30+ Years Later

The private practice of medicine had become a dinosaur. In addition, we experienced financial bumps and that sinking feeling was no longer a thrill. We faced major decisions. (See Making Decisions as a Couple is a 3-Legged Race.)

For several years, we spent a lot of time at the downward end of the teeter-totter, sitting face-to-face, locked in a struggle. Finally, we reached a Consensus that worked for both of us.

Our Teeter-Totter Marriage Today

Unlike many couples, we are not coasting into retirement nor enjoying a gentle ride. However, neither of us has hopped off or catapulted the other off the teeter-totter. Instead, our experience has been quite the opposite. We have found that when one of us is strong, we lean into the middle, enabling the balance and smoothing the ride. Our focus has been on a Constant Connection with each other through transparent communication, empathy, shared laughter and support.

In closing, we leave you with a quote from author and blogger, David Johnson: “Don’t let fear keep you away from the most exciting toy on the playground.” And don’t just find the perfect partner, Be that trusted partner by using the 5 C’s of Relationship: Communication, Compassion, Collaboration, Consensus and Constant Connection.