Is There Technoference in Your Marriage?

Recently, we read an article and learned a new word – “Technoference.”  This word “refers to the interruptions in interpersonal communication caused by attention paid to personal tech devices.”  Although we hadn’t heard of this word, we knew instantly that ‘Technoference’ is an issue in our marriage.  

But Technology Is Useful…

Most of the time, using our phones is not a big deal… technology is very useful. We love getting videos or pictures from our family.   We couldn’t do our jobs, keep in touch with others, or find our way around a new city without our phones.   

However…

Every once in a while, the phone in front of our spouse’s face causes an irritation or sting of some sort. Why does that smartphone seem fine (and even a source of laughter) most of the time, but at this moment leaves us feeling annoyed, hurt, or resentful?  Though we don’t intend to give the message that our screen is more important than our spouse, that can be the very message they receive.  

Don’t Phub Me the Wrong Way

“Phubbing” is another interesting new word.  You’ve been ‘phubbed’ if someone ignores you as they’re absorbed in their cell phone while they’re right next to you.  (Snubbed by someone using their phone.) Since learning these 2 new words, we’ve had a few conversations about how technology interferes in our relationship.   

What This Looks Like at Our House

Ken: First, we were able to honestly ask each other about times we were upset because of each other’s technology use.  Next, we narrowed down the commonalities of those instances.  Janine is bothered by technoference when I respond to a text (or look up a question)- while we’re in the middle of a conversation.  

Janine: I know I’m guilty of phubbing Ken. It’s obvious when he’s waiting for me to leave the house, to eat or come to bed and I “need” to finish looking at the pictures of my ex-co-worker’s daughter’s wedding.  He rolls his eyes and lets out a sigh. 

Let’s Fix This

Being more aware of these ‘trigger times,’ we’re hopeful we can cut down on our ‘technoference’ in the future.  When one of us is hurt or offended, we give each other permission to say, “Ouch.”  We don’t want to just sweep it under the rug.   

Here are some ideas on how to tackle this issue:

1)Have a conversation about how you use technology when you’re together. (See “4 steps to resolve disagreements in marriage” or “Phones at the dinner table”)

2)When you’re on a date, be fully on the date by putting cell phones away.  

3) Set a time to handle notifications and updates, so you can focus more on your spouse than on your FOMO (fear of missing out).  

4)Create a plan to find mutually agreed upon goals or times you decide that non-urgent phone communications will be ignored.   

Perspective

The “answer” doesn’t have to focus on less tech, but instead focus on being pro-active about putting our spouse/relationship first. The key is to be aware of what we’re doing with our devices and what we’re losing in the process.