When In Doubt, Just Get Naked
When we were newlyweds, we heard another couple (married much longer than us) quip a line of advice: “when in doubt, just get naked.” It sounded good to us at the time, and it has only become more relevant since then. Let us explain…
Get Emotionally Naked
Nick: There are times I would love to just go directly to being physically naked with Jen, rather than navigate the complexities of romancing and enticing her. However, the risk in letting my sex drive just take the lead is that I may be missing Jen’s need to be emotionally connected. I shouldn’t be surprised that she will not want to just jump in bed with me if we haven’t seen very much of each other that day.
My need to be physically naked with Jen is much more attainable when I make the choice to be emotionally naked with her. When this works well, it starts with casual conversation and connecting with Jen in ways that aren’t overtly sexual at all. I just listen to her talking about her day and choose to open up about my own. This can lead to playful moments as we both relax with each other. From there, our conversation might become playful and flirtatious. Jen is mysterious to me – as we’re verbally teasing and sparring with each other, I wonder: is this leading somewhere? Is this setting up for a rendezvous tonight? The uncertainty is both rattling and exciting.
My laser-focus on getting Jen into bed with me is the enemy in these circumstances. It is more delightful for both of us when I put aside my natural one-dimensionality and really put in the effort to cultivate our emotional connection without any additional expectations.
Get Physically Naked
Jen: There are times I would like to just spend time with Nick chatting and being together without thinking he will have any expectations about ‘later.’ However, the risk in letting my need for conversation take priority is that I may be missing Nick’s need to have physical connection. I shouldn’t be surprised that he will not just want to hold my hand and listen to me tell him every detail of my day if I am ignoring his need for the promise of something more.
My need to be emotionally naked with Nick is much more attainable when I make the choice to be physically naked with him. To make this work well, I need to pay attention to the signals Nick sends and respond rather than ignoring it or hoping he won’t have expectations. When I let Nick’s physical messages be a part of the conversation, this can lead to playful moments as we become more comfortable with each other. From there, our conversation might become more sensual and lead to that physical connection that Nick is craving. Even if I have come into the conversation not ‘in the mood,’ I become more open to physical connection. And here is the real gift – satisfying Nick’s need for physical connection leads to more emotional connection afterward.
My laser-focus on the emotional connection of having Nick understand me is the enemy in these circumstances. It is more delightful for both of us when I put aside my natural focus on emotion and really put in the effort to cultivate the physical connection that can lead to total connection between us.
Be Fully Open to Each Other
It took several years for us to recognize how the advice “when in doubt, just get naked” runs deeper than we thought. When we each are willing to take the first step, we can more easily get the kind of nakedness we’re looking for. We are most fulfilled when we give each other the kind of naked openness that our spouse most needs, without reservation or insisting on our own needs first.
