Just

Michelle:

When our daughter was in the second grade she was asked to write about what her parents did for a living. She wrote three (front and back) pages about Chris’s job as a research scientist. She went on and on about the inner-workings of his day to day life in the lab, entering data and what his research could lead to.  As I read, I was proud of the work and influence that Chris had on her and I couldn’t wait to read about my own. However, I began feeling concerned as the pages were becoming fewer and fewer. Then, there it was. The last line of her paper, “And my mom is just a teacher. “

Chris:

Have you ever thought about the word just?  When Michelle says something like, “I will be just a second.” I know that means settle in, read a novel, build a wall unit or do anything else to distract myself from how long it is actually taking or how late we might be. 

Michelle:

Sometimes the word just is a story I tell myself about Chris. For example, If I could just lose ten pounds, he would desire me more. Or if I just enjoyed playing golf, he would want to spend more time with me. 

Chris:

Why do we use this qualifying word, just?  Does it change anything if Michelle told me she would be a second longer? Not really, I am still frustrated and worried that we might be late. Or if Michelle wondered if she lost ten pounds, would I desire her more. I am a smart man. The answer is always “You are perfect the way you are!”

Michelle:

The point is, be intentional with the words you say to your spouse.  Think about how it might enter him or her internally and if that reaction is the one you are intending. If the answer is no, how can you change it to match your intention? Some of the easiest words to remove in conversation are always, never, just and if only.

Chris:

Consider Yoda, a Jedi of few words but some of the most powerful.  Imagine, for example, if his line was, “If only you would just do or do not you would never need to try.” Instead of, “Do or do not. There is no try.” Sometimes, less is more, my Jedi friends.  

Michelle:

Finally, we would be irresponsible not to mention that it is unwise to turn a paper into a teacher that says, “…just a teacher.”  But, some lessons must be learned the hard way.