Lost that Lovin’ feeling?

Has your marriage turned out like you hoped it would?  We all come into marriage with expectations, many of which don’t pan out.

Janine: 

I grew up surrounded by my parents, aunts, uncles, and grandparents who were all in solid, committed marriages.  My Mom and Dad worked side by side, and I admired how they had long conversations about the day’s events and their plans for the future.  I expected that someday, my husband and I would also work side by side and enjoy long talks.  

Ken: 

Many of the marriages I witnessed as a child were less than ideal. My parents were divorced. I was determined things would be different for me. I had ideas of a marriage filled with romance and friendship, and free of problems.

Unmet Expectations and Disappointments

Janine:   

After a few years of marriage and a couple babies, Ken and I weren’t doing things together anymore.  My expectation that we’d work side by side, as my parents had, began to fade.  And those long talks I was looking forward to rarely happened.

Ken: 

My expectation of a problem free, “perfect” marriage gradually faded, and I began to feel disappointed. It seemed the only things Janine and I talked about were the events of the day or complaints about things that were bothering us. There was no fun and no romance.  I felt empty. I missed our intimate moments and the sexual passion we once had.

Downward Spiral and Disillusionment

Our unmet expectations and disappointments gradually fueled a downward spiral in our relationship. When a downward spiral like this continues unchecked, it eventually leads to loneliness and disillusionment. On our Worldwide Marriage Encounter Experience we learned that this disillusionment is a normal phase in marriage. Read more here:  We’re Not Perfect and That’s Normal

The Power of Decisions

Things took a positive turn when we discovered the power of making intentional decisions to love and be loved. We came to understand that love is more than a fleeting feeling; it’s a conscious choice to prioritize each other’s needs over our own negative emotions. 

Ken: I make the decision to love when we walk past a store and Janine wants to go in and look around.  I put aside my great dislike for shopping and go in with her, wait patiently, and try to be positive.

Janine: Since my work schedule can be very flexible, I could easily choose to spend my days chatting with friends, shopping or surfing the internet.  However, that would mean I’d need to finish my work in the evenings when Ken is home. I make small decisions to love when I prioritize how I spend my time while Ken is at work, so we can spend our evenings together.  

Read more here: Marriage is a Verb

Moving Beyond Disillusionment

Although disillusionment is a phase we all experience in our marriages, it doesn’t have to be the end.  When we make our relationship a priority and take deliberate actions to nurture our connection, we can rebuild the love, trust, and intimacy we all longed for.

For more on this topic, check out:

Marriage Takes Work – What Does That Mean?

Making Up is Hard to Do

The Secret Recipe of Intimacy

Loving Each Other In Spite of Our Differences 

Forgiveness and Healing 

Confronting for the Sake of Our Relationship   

Barriers to Forgiveness and Healing in Relationships