Top 10 Tips to Ruin Your Marriage 

1. Put the Relationship on Autopilot 

Stop dating your spouse. Stop pursuing. You’ve won them, haven’t you? Transition into roommate mode. Cultivate separate lives, separate friends even separate interests. The marriage will take care of itself, the way houseplants do when you don’t water them. 😜

2. Stop Saying Thank You – It’s Overrated.   

Gratitude is for new relationships and people who are still trying to impress each other. Your spouse should know they’re appreciated. Stop saying thank you for dinner and other small things… it takes too much energy. 😫

3. Keep Score 

Marriage can be a competitive sport (with no trophy). Keep a mental spreadsheet of every chore, forgotten anniversary, and argument. Have this info at hand during arguments to ensure you always have the upper hand. 

4. Outsource Intimacy  

Feeling lonely or misunderstood?  Rather than confiding in your spouse, why not unload these burdens to your old high-school friend or a close relative? You might even want to just pour it all out in a social media post to get some advice from perfect strangers. 😳

5. Offer Suggestions on How to Fix Everything 

When your spouse shares a problem, identify what they did wrong and offer suggestions on how they could have handled the situation differently.  If they seem emotional, remind them to “calm down” so you can have a rational conversation. After all, you’re just being efficient. 😰

6.  Consult with Extended Family Instead 

Your parents got you this far, didn’t they? It only makes sense to keep them closely involved in your finances, your parenting choices, your vacation plans, and major life decisions. If your spouse objects, remind them that family is important… YOUR family, specifically.  Boundaries are just walls between family and “togetherness.” 🙄

7. Exercise Your Passive Aggression  

Why say “I’m hurt” when you can sigh loudly, slam a door, or “forget” to do what your spouse asked you to do? Passive aggression is conflict resolution for people who want all the tension and none of the resolution. When they call you out on it, look genuinely baffled. 🤨

8.  Master the Silent Treatment  

Why use words when you can weaponize silence? When conflict arises, simply stop speaking and deploy an eye roll to communicate everything you refuse to say out loud. Nothing says ‘I’m done with you’ like stonewalling and walking out of the room.  😞

9. Prioritize Your Phone Over Their Face  

The first thing you look at in the morning and the last thing at night should be your screen – not your spouse. If they try to have a conversation, keep scrolling. During dinners, date nights, or their heartfelt story… get your phone out.  🥴

10. Use Sex as a Bargaining Chip

Did they do or say something you didn’t like (or forget to do something you wanted done)? Withholding sex can be an effective punishment. If you’re looking for a way to control your spouse, this might be your tool.  😰

In case it needs saying: the 10 ‘tips’ above are all terrible advice. Obviously, do the exact opposite if you want your marriage to thrive.