Lovemaking in the Context of Healing

A wonderful aspect of our lovemaking is the emotional bonding that is such a gift to our relationship. This intimate bonding can enable healing after conflict and even in the midst of conflict.  Lovemaking can be like a dance, one may pursue while the other hesitates.  Often I find lovemaking opens me to intimacy while Mary Frances finds she needs to experience intimacy to be open to lovemaking.  The “dance” is meeting enough in the middle that this mystery can continue to enrich our marriage.

Photo Credit: Jonathan Pendleton

Lovemaking is especially touchy when we are emotionally distant or when there is hurt in our relationship.  Even though we clearly valued the advice in our last post, we managed to get tangled up in the hectic pace of the holidays and the craziness of the season.  I thoroughly enjoyed time with family, but after they left I began to feel lonely and out of sync with Tom.  Our usual rhythms were upset and the stress of returning to work complicated things even more.  I found myself wanting to blame Tom for my loneliness and needs not being met.  I wanted to get back in sync and I could sense a similar desire on his part.

How to begin?  We are so different when it comes to our needs for intimacy and healing.  Tom is the one who typically reaches out in forgiveness.  This time would be different and I reached out to make love to Tom.

When Mary Frances reached out to make love I felt surprised.  It was like receiving a letter from a friend that arrived after a long interval of events and time.  I felt intrigued and attracted.  Our lovemaking established a link that opened me to deep conversation about the events of the last few weeks, the connection to holidays and vacations past.  I experienced a greater understanding of Mary Frances’ loneliness and her needs for intimacy.  We became each other’s confidant once again and that allowed many other conversations to begin and the dance to continue.

Photo Credit: Zuzanna Czernik

Making love can put us in that intimate space to discuss and heal our hurts as Lovers.  We both realize it is important to not sweep pain and disappointments under the rug.  Lovemaking does not erase the need for forgiveness.  We need to talk and connect with each other in the context of our hurt.  Sexual intimacy can open us to that conversation where we can both experience generous giving, vulnerability and forgiveness.