Love & Respect

Making generalized statements about men or women can be risky. But there’s one generalization that seems to apply to most of us. A few years ago, we went to a marriage enrichment on the topic of Love & Respect. It was based on a book by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs (“Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs”), a New York Times best seller. The premise of this book is that men (in general) need to be respected, while women (in general) need to feel loved.

Disagreeing Respectfully

JANINE: Eggerichs points out that when a husband feels disrespected, it could just as well be translated as feeling unloved. This has really stuck with me. One day we were visiting with friends, and Ken was telling them about something that had happened. I was sure a couple details in Ken’s story were incorrect, but I decided NOT to correct him in a disrespectful way. After he was finished, I simply said, ‘I’m not sure it happened that way. I thought it was more like ….’ Our friend (the husband) who was listening, got a bit of a surprised look on his face. He grinned and slowly nodded his head as he repeated my words, “’I’m not sure it happened that way….’ isn’t that a nice way to soften your disagreement.”

Speaking Your Language

KEN: Just today, when I announced that I was going outside to spray weeds, I noticed that Janine’s response was less than positive. To her, going outside to tend to the yard was a fun activity (in my mind, not so much). Luckily, I picked up on her disapproval, pivoted, and went to do a task she wanted done. Voila! Acts of service happen to be Janine’s “Love Language”, which help her to feel Loved. We’re now on our way to a happier, more unified day (and perhaps night 😉).

Game Changer

The Love and Respect paradigm has been an eye opener, helping us to better understand what makes each other “tick.” Keep in mind that some men might primarily need love, and some women primarily need respect. The main point is to be aware of your spouse’s needs and make daily decisions to meet those needs. When we’re intentional about meeting each others most basic need, we tap into what has been a game changer for our relationship. We hope this simple but profound insight might help you to alleviate some of the mystery and friction in your relationship, too.

Why not take some time today to think about how you’re meeting your spouse’s core need for Love or Respect?