Come On, Baby, Light My Fire

One reason married couples end up together is because there is a physical attraction between them. Some call it chemistry. There are times when we can’t keep our hands off each other. We make any excuse to be close, to be intimate.

Jen: But if you’ve been married for a while, you know that there are also times when you can’t ‘go all the way.’ One such time is right after you have a baby. Deciding to have a baby is without a doubt an opportunity for some of the most intimate sex you will have. And then pregnancy starts, and the changes in your body consume you and occupy your thoughts. You start to feel less sexy and more motherly – but your spouse is not going through these physical changes himself. In fact, as he notices them, he may find you even more attractive.

As Nick and I went through 5 pregnancies over the course of 10-ish years there were many highs and lows in our intimacy. It’s a very emotional time, and one that is not always easy to navigate. From pregnancy to childbirth and beyond, I saw my stretched-out body and had a baby attached to me much of the time. I didn’t understand how Nick could find me attractive. And yet, he never stopped trying to put the moves on me. Even with unpredictable sleep, nursing babies, and recovery from childbirth, there was still a physical attraction between us. We had to get creative in our affection and touches.

Nick: Now that we’re past the baby days, I expected this would uncomplicate our sex life. There would be nothing between Jen and my normal male sexual desire for her. I would be home free and able to put the moves on Jen basically whenever I wanted to, right?

Not exactly. From everyday aches and pains to Jen’s recent recovery from surgery, the doors are – alas – not always open. I need to try to pique Jen’s interest with romance or she will be left with the flawed impression (back me up here guys) that I’m only interested in one thing. This is where good natured teasing comes in. It’s a tool in our relationship toolbox that helps us to break through some of the routines of life and generate new sparks between us in our down time.

For example, we make a game of seeing how many clever ways we can levy subtle innuendos at each other. We give each other bonus points if the older children don’t notice. We use casual touch in passing as we’re doing things around the house. Who knew the pantry could be a sneak away spot for a quick smooch? We try not to get caught, though we believe a little PDA never hurt the children.

So how about you? What can you do this week to create new sparks or fan the flames in your marriage?