The 4 Horsemen
Relationship researcher John Gottman has identified four negative behaviors he calls ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,’ that spell disaster for relationships.
Identifying these Four Horsemen is the first step in being able to replace them with healthier behaviors.
- Criticism: an attack on your spouse’s character.
- Contempt: treating the other with disrespect, mocking, sarcasm, ridicule, or name calling.
- Defensiveness: – making excuses or reversing blame in an attempt to make it the other person’s fault
- Stonewalling: withdrawing from conflict and/or conveying disapproval.
Turn The Horse Around
KEN: As a “see the glass ½ empty” kind of person, it’s easy for me to be critical of Janine. We not only are different sexes but have different personality types and different ways of doing things. As a perfectionist, I have a tendency toward criticizing little things Janine does. This tendency hasn’t disappeared, but I’ve learned what I’m doing and how it negatively affects Janine and our relationship when I criticize her. Life is happier for both of us when I choose to nurture an “attitude of gratitude” and focus on Janine’s gifts and positive qualities. Offers to help and thanking Janine for the things she does create a positive, loving atmosphere in our relationship.
JANINE: Early in our marriage, I often ‘read into’ things Ken said, and assumed he was criticizing me. He’d make an innocent comment, and I’d take it personally – like the time he mentioned, “Gee, we’re almost out of ketchup.” (‘Our Ketchup Story’).
When I fall into this Defensiveness, I get snippy and start justifying my actions. Sometimes I point out how MY behaviors are a result of something Ken has done rather than take responsibility for my actions.
Over the years, I’ve learned two things that have helped me to defeat this defensiveness:
A). After many years, I’ve learned that when Ken makes a comment, he’s simply stating a fact or thinking out loud. If I get that defensive look, he will often clarify and explain that there was no underlying message to his comment. I’ve come to understand that he’s NOT criticizing me (and my ego isn’t as fragile as it used to be).
B). When I’m up front with Ken about what’s on my mental agenda, there’s much more harmony between us. I don’t have to defend myself, because Ken knows what’s going on inside me. When I mess up, I’ve learned to apologize and take responsibility. When I do this, Ken’s response is gentle and supportive.
Taming The Wild Horses
After identifying The Four Horsemen, we can replace them with the following suggestions:
Criticism >> “Use ‘I’ statements” (talk about feelings and express positive needs.)
Contempt >> “Appreciation” (make appreciation a habit, remember spouse’s positive qualities. Gratitude for positive actions.)
Defensiveness >> “Take responsibility” (accept spouse’s perspective, apologize and ask forgiveness for any wrongdoing)
Stonewalling >> “Self-care” (take a break, do something calming or distracting so you can return to the issue/situation in a better frame of mind)
A Smoother Ride
BOTH: Lucky for us, we found a way to communicate in a healthier manner about 5 years into our marriage when we went to a WWME weekend experience. We’re a work in progress. But acknowledging that The Four Horsemen exist and proactively choosing healthier behaviors and communication are a huge win for us- and can be for you too.
Even the best marriages have conflict. How we manage conflict can predict the success or failure of our relationship. If we manage problems in a healthy way, then our relationships will have a much greater chance of success.
