4 Ways to Keep the Sexual Pilot Light Lit

Julie – It finally happened.  After two years of extreme caution, COVID finally found us.  First John, then me.  John?  Like a bad cold that lingered.  Me?  Pretty much the sickest I’ve ever been in my life and still battling fatigue a month later.  We didn’t kiss each other for a couple of weeks, much less think about making love.  Heck, my sleeping was so erratic and restless that we didn’t even sleep in the same bed for weeks. Physical or mental illness, childbirth, surgery, kids who constantly want to sleep with mommy and daddy, changing hormones, or the death of a close family member can wreak havoc on the sexual relationship in any marriage.  So, how DO we keep the sexual pilot light lit during these challenges so that when the time is right, we can fan the flames of passion again?

Touch Often

John – As Julie’s illness wore on, it was very clear that I could offer her comfort through speaking her Love Language of Physical Touch. Stroking her head in my lap not only relieved her congestion and headache, it also was my way of saying, “I love you” to Julie.  Giving her a gentle hug or a kiss on her forehead brought a little smile to her face, even when she was at her lowest point.  And when Julie would physically touch me with an assuring pat or head scratch, I appreciated it as I knew she had very limited energy – and she chose to spend it by reaching out to me. 

Let Go of the Blame

Julie –  John could have beat himself up or I could have blamed John for my misery, but seriously – what good would that do?  Instead, we both chose to let go of the blame and just accept the situation.  This allowed us to work TOGETHER to get through it, keeping the sexual pilot light lit rather than extinguishing it.

Communicate Your Needs

John – We were on vacation when I first got sick and didn’t realize it was covid, thanks to a false-negative test.  When we go on vacation, we GO GO GO.  I needed to lovingly communicate to Julie when my body said STOP so that I could get the rest I needed.  In doing so, I avoided getting over-tired and the tendency to be short with Julie.  I also repeatedly asked Julie how she was feeling and if she needed anything.  I was thrilled when she finally turned the corner, had a negative test, and communicated to me that she REALLY needed a kiss. 😊

Show Appreciation

Julie – John worked overtime to keep everything going and to get meals on the table while I was sick.  When I was having a particularly bad day, he even cheered me up by playing my favorite Disney soundtrack during dinner. I made a conscious effort to show appreciation by thanking John for picking up the slack and for dishing out loads of TLC.  Since Words of Affirmation is John’s Love Language, this helped him to feel romanced, even though there was no lovemaking involved.  By making the effort to keep our romance alive during our illness, we were able to keep the sexual pilot light lit until we were both healthy enough to re-ignite the flames.