What is the Secret to a Happy Marriage?
Most people don’t start out in marriage thinking “This could be fun for a while, but once it’s not I’ll move on.” When you get married it’s exciting and romantic and fun and interesting. But no marriage is free from challenges and disagreements. There is no magic finish line where there are no challenges in our marriage. The temptation to think such a place exists is one of the biggest dangers of all, because it sets you up for failure.
Old Challenges
Jen: One of our challenges after we had kids had to do with toy guns. We had many conversations about the difference between realistic-looking guns and nerf guns, between cartoony video games with guns and those that were more realistic. We also had many moments of frustration and impatience with each other. We navigated our way through this challenge over time – having five kids over the course of 10 years made it a prolonged conversation. Eventually we arrived at a truce; a compromise if you will. We found a middle ground through trial and error, conversation, active listening and sharing our feelings, and ultimately, through trusting each other’s intentions. This challenge didn’t get resolved as much as it got weathered and pushed through.
New Challenges
Nick: We have teenagers and adult kids at home now. The early kid days were hard, but having adult children at home is hard in a whole new way. We’re not on the same page in ways neither of us saw coming. This is particularly true about what strategy we should take in getting our adult children to move forward in their own lives. I feel frustrated at this disconnect between Jen and me. After all, shouldn’t we be better at this by now? But that isn’t the way it works.
I can recall some difficulties with our kids being toddlers that we never really figured out. We just persevered and made the best we could of them. Eventually the kids grew out of those phases we found difficult. Is this another one of those times?
Using the tools of active listening and sharing our feelings still help, but the old solutions we built for past challenges just don’t translate forward. Older and more weatherworn, we still have to push forward and try to work through our current challenges.
The Secret is…
The real secret is to learn how to tackle challenges TOGETHER. Often in marriage when a challenge arises, one spouse just agrees to the opinion of the other so that peace can be restored. Sharing your feelings and ideas can help you reach below the surface of any issue and recognize that you are having this discussion with another human being.
Challenges are real and they are a part of every relationship. And even though each challenge is different when you approach them with an open heart and a listening ear, resolution is much easier to find.
