Sex — Naughty or Nice?

Sexual Expression is Everywhere

Think: TV, Billboards and Music videos. So, why do we struggle to express our sexuality until the kids are asleep, and the bedrooms shades drawn?

Answer: Perhaps, we were taught sex was taboo. This is sexual sabotage, likely unintentional.

But unless we rid ourselves of these ghosts from the past, we will pass them on to our children.

Ghosts From the Past

MF: I recall riding in the backseat of our car with my Grandma, whom I dearly loved. We passed a billboard of a woman wearing a black evening gown and bold red lipstick. I vividly remember Grandma saying: “Look at her lips — trying to be sexy!” Later, I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I responded: “A nun with a large family.” No wonder! Being sexy was not acceptable and neither was red lipstick.

TOM: I grew up on our family ranch and saw animals mating all the time. But I was taught sex outside of marriage was sinful. Don’t do it! Pregnancy outside of marriage was a public shame. Don’t risk it! So, I decided one of the best ways to avoid this humiliation was to not talk about sex at all. Yes, even the word sex was taboo.

Attitudes Matter

These attitudes lead us to approach sexuality from a place of fear, oppression and stigma. We begin to think sex is at its worst dirty, dangerous, uncontrollable . . . and for ‘making babies’ at its best.

Attitudes matter. Controlled by shame and judgment is miserable. It makes it impossible to experience the many gifts of our love making.

From Shame to Passion

I heard guys talk about sex. But the first time I heard an honest conversation by any adult was on our Marriage Encounter Experience. As a result, I was taken by the honesty and respect the couple had for each other. And also, their joy in their experience of their sexuality.

MF: So, we summoned the courage to talk about our ghosts with each other. For example, I shared attitudes and painful experiences that enabled me to explore my needs in our lovemaking. It was a tremendous source of healing that gave us the freedom to have fun and the confidence to be creative and unique. This moved us from shame to passion. We were more playful, and not just in the bedroom, but in the kitchen and on the couch as well.

Teach Your Children Well

So, if you were raised with unhealthy attitudes about sex, there is no time like the present to explore and replace them with positive ones. Attitudes don’t hide easily. Children learn from what they observe AND what they don’t observe. Words are also important.

Stay tuned for Part 2, “Beyond Biology: Where Do Babies Come From?”