Into the Weeds Naked

If you’ve ever had a recurring argument with your spouse and pulled weeds, you may be aware of some similarities. Join us as we explore them in venturing “Into the Weeds Naked.”

Boundaries

MF: Our dog is smart. She knows where her nose doesn’t belong when we say, “Boundaries.” You’d think brick and weed block would be more effective at establishing such a boundary between grass and a flower bed. It’s not.

Creating boundaries in your relationship is smart, especially in disagreements. Your mother-in-law, best friend and boss have no business in a discussion involving finances, dividing up Saturday chores or how you celebrate a special occasion.

Rule #1: Set Boundaries in your Relationship.

Get to ‘the Root’ of the Problem

MF: In the yard, my arch nemesis is the weed eater. While it provides a fast, efficient, cosmetic approach to weeds, it spreads weed seeds and leaves a lot of trash behind. To me, the weed eater is like saying “Sorry, Now sweep your trash.”

Rule #2: Saying “Sorry” Doesn’t Get to the Root of the Problem.

Tom: Weeds, like the problem, don’t go away unless you get to the root. Discussing underlying concerns like beliefs, core values, and family of origin issues help us get to the root of of the problem. (Check out this post for more ideas to help you get to the root of the problem.). A little shriek when you finish gently dissecting a long root makes pulling weeds more fun and gently getting to the root of the problem is worth a BIG shriek!

If you yank at a root, you are likely to snap and break it. Before long the same weed or argument will resurface. You must gently tease out the issue, explore the little roots beneath the weed block and bring them all to the surface.

Rule #3: Gentleness is Key to Getting to the Root of the Problem.

3 Critical Components to Gentleness

1. Take Off the Gloves

MF: An old friend more than once told me to “take off the gloves.” He was a farmer at heart and was not referring to boxing gloves. He was not afraid of getting his hands dirty. This sage advice reminds me of him whether I am trying to get to the end of a nasty root or in an argument with Tom. Gloves provide a defense against dirt and thorns, but I cannot feel and trace a root with gloves on. Letting down my defenses, recognizing and gently sharing my feelings, and loving Tom with his feelings requires me to take off the gloves and open myself to him without defenses — “feeling with a naked heart and hand.”

2. Nurture Your Relationship

Tom: A nurturing rain makes weeds easier to pull. When we went out to pull weeds the other day the ground was so wet and the grass was thick as sod (where it should not have been!). We laughted as the grass made a ‘slurping’ sound when the tiny roots let go of the wet weed block. Nurturing your relationship with laughter, affirmation, compliments, quality time and showering compassion is like a soaking rain. It makes difficult conversations easier, and it makes pulling weeds muddier, but nothing that a good shower together cannot fix.

3. Fight Naked

MF: The keys to our family cabin are on a chain with the Marriage Encounter logo on one side and the statement “Fight Naked” on the other. Makes for great conversation when we hand over the keys to the kids, family and friends. Fighting naked is what this is all about. Leave out third parties, gently get to the root of the problem, take off your gloves and focus on your feelings.

Behave, knowing the fight is not about you or the situation but about your Lover. When you are faced with recurring fights, venture Into the Weeds — Naked.

Additional Reading on those Recurring Arguments:

• How to Resolve Disagreements in Marriage
• To Be or Not to Be . . . Right?
• The Tip of the Iceberg
• Just Go to Bed
• Do You Remember the Last Fight You Had?
• Be Curious
• When in Doubt Just Get Naked