Marriage Wake-Up Calls

Chris:

Many couples see the old couple, sitting on the park bench, still holding hands and wonder, how did they stay together after all this time. Michelle and I have thought, “Can we, the middle-aged couple, be an inspiration for someone? Does being married for only a couple of decades count?” While we are unsure of how inspiring we are, we have had a few wake-up calls in our relationship that we will share. The first wake-up call was our unmatched expectations. When we got married, we both brought marriage views based on our imaginations, our parents, movies, society, etc. My mom cooked, cleaned and rarely declined doing something for my dad. When we got married, I thought Michelle would be like that. The huge and uncomfortable wake-up call was when I realized that Michelle was nothing like my mom and I had expected her to be.

Michelle:

The second wake-up call was that neither of us are mind readers and marriage isn’t a game of Clue. When we were newly married, Chris went on several business trips. When he returned home empty-handed, I was disappointed. Growing up, both of my parents worked for an airline. With one of them often away on business, when we would pick them up from the airport, they always had a trinket to give upon their return. One night, I asked, “Why do you never bring me something back from your trip?” Chris looked confused. I realized that I had an expectation and a disappointment based on something he had never heard. Tell each other what you want and or need.

The third wake-up call is the importance of spending time together. We once heard, a divorce lawyer is more expensive than a date; you have to invest in your marriage. We learned that it is okay, sometimes, to go on a trips without our daughter. Still today, when a trip isn’t possible, date nights at least every other week become a priority. While it was hard to leave Taryn behind, our functioning marriage was one of the best examples we could offer her.

Chris:

The fourth wake-up call is sometimes easier said than done; recognize the good, period. For example, when Michelle does something super nice for no reason at all, my responsibility is to acknowledge the good deed, without sarcasm or wondering if there is a hidden agenda. My typical response is to interrogate what she is buttering me up for or if she dented the car when pulling out of the garage. The wake-up call is to realize that when I do that, I dampen her spirit and make her seriously reconsider doing a nice deed again.

Michelle:

The final wake-up call is to fight fair. Don’t be mean or name-call and stick to the issue at hand. When one spouse brings up an issue, work together to resolve it. Do not use it as an opportunity to say, “Oh yeah, well here’s what you did that I’m mad about.” Deal with the here and now. No matter how angry you are or how unjust you judge your spouse to be in the moment, fighting fair means keeping your love at the core.