To Be, or Not To Be…Right?

John

For this week’s post, Julie and I thought we would share some insights into an interesting and sometimes puzzling dynamic in our relationship.  It all has to do with the idea of “being right.” In the midst of our usually life-giving relationship, the need to  “be right” can often get in the way.  Worse than that, it can cause breakdowns in our relationship that need to be healed.   This is a challenge that we deal with frequently but are striving to manage more effectively. 

I have a desire to “be right” – to be correct in my ideas, opinions, decisions, etc. I also like to make sure that people that I’m interacting with are aware that I am indeed correct.  This includes my interactions with Julie. My attitude of superiority can be very subtle as I attempt to soften my “rightness.”  Nevertheless, it comes through in ways that can be harmful to our intimacy and sense of connectedness.  When I point out to Julie why my point of view or decision was the correct one, I can cause damage to our relationship as well as to Julie’s self-esteem.  I may be the winner, but we both end up losing as this puts Julie in the position of “being wrong.” Do I really want my lover to “be wrong?”

Julie

When John goes into his “I’m right” mode, even if very subtly, I am belittled and and I begin to doubt my competence.  A barrier shoots up between us as I retreat in the face of this perceived offense.  We cut our conversations short, and time ticks away until one of us relents and actively initiates the healing process that has become necessary.  These are most often not dramatic flare-ups, but the discomfort and temporary break in our intimacy is very real.  Conversely, I am also aware that when John suggests an opinion and I immediately counter with a “better” one, I am also playing the “I’m right” role.  I can immediately sense that John is frustrated.  Like me, he also withdraws to safety.

John

As I reflect on this occasional bugaboo in our relationship, the thought occurs to me that most of these “I’m right” related breaks in our intimacy are entirely avoidable. This happened a few weeks ago as we discussed plans for a family vacation.  When I made sure that it was known that I was right about the route and drive time we were giving to our daughter, and corrected Julie’s statement. An instant gap developed between us as Julie turned away and mumbled “I guess I don’t know what I am talking about.” 

If I examine the percentage of times when it TRULY is important that I am right – for example for safety reasons, clear financial security reasons, etc. – that actual percentage is pretty low.  The rest of the time I could choose to set aside the “I’m right” thing. Through a combination of a little dying to self and even more importantly through a desire to build up our relationship rather than put a hole in it, I can affirm Julie’s viewpoint, decision, opinion, etc. We are so much better for that!  We are practicing behaviors that grow on this awareness and are seeing progress!

We offer this perspective to encourage you to strive to be aware of the danger of “being right.” We encourage you to put your relationship ahead of this desire whenever possible!  This could make a big difference for you and bring more joy and less division to your relationship!