Just Go To Bed

Chris:

As much as we both dislike conflict, we seem to have an uncanny ability to have disagreements at the most inopportune times.  Take, for example, the angry conversation we began about money, moments before our friends came over.  Or the heated discussion we had about being late to things, that I started because we were driving to church, LATE!  And, of course, there have been countless times that we have argued well into the wee hours of the morning, when all we really wanted to do was go to bed.  

Michelle:

At our wedding shower, people wrote cards to me with their sage marriage advice.  Card after card offered, “Never go to bed angry.”  I took this as a strong warning, probably because so many of my married friends and family had passed it along.  So, if we would get into a disagreement right before bedtime, I would push and push and push some more in order to have a resolution before going to sleep.  And, each time this happened, the following morning, I felt drained, anxious and unsettled. 

Chris:

So, Michelle did what she normally does when something doesn’t seem right.  She turned to research.  Low and behold, science says we are doing it wrong.  According to multiple studies conducted on couples, taking a break from an argument, is actually helpful.  One study even found that 100% of the couples observed had physiologically calmed down when resuming the conversation the following morning.  

Michelle:

In a 2012 study, scientists agreed that going to bed instead of continuing a fight is healthy if done correctly.  Here is how we interpreted the study and what we try to do.  

• First, we have to recognize that we have a conflict that may be bigger than this moment right now.
• Next, we say something like, “I love you and I am sorry we are fighting.  I know we will work through this and I promise, in the morning, we can finish the conversation.”  
• Then we will either hold hands or cuddle while we fall asleep.  

Chris:

The research says: “…it is actually acceptable and healthy to put the argument on pause for the night.  …kissing, hand-holding or cuddling helps to ease the tension, boost endorphins and get a dose of oxytocin and dopamine which serve to help diffuse the situation.” Putting a pause on our conflict does not make it magically go away but it does offer a little bit of distance and perspective needed to remind ourselves that we are on the same team and in it for the long haul. Ultimately, we want what is best for each other.  We can forgive tomorrow what may be difficult today.  We can argue discuss tomorrow if we pause on it today.  And, in the end, we can love better tomorrow, even when it may be difficult today!