Old Habits Die Hard

Have you ever fallen into this trap?

You have a small disconnect that builds over time and turns into a huge disconnect that takes a lot of work to sort through, but you get through it. Then some time down the road, you start to fall back into whatever habit it was that disconnected you. You realize it and work through it again, but you’re kicking yourself for falling into the same trap.

And you think to yourself, ‘why didn’t I learn the lesson the first time?’

Disconnection

Jen: We had a disconnect of this sort this past week. I fell into an old habit of bottling up my frustration when I don’t think Nick is listening to me. Instead of confronting him in the moment, I let it fester, allowing the hurt and resentment to build up. Ultimately, the hurt began to seep out in small ways, like being unwilling to share things with Nick and making assumptions about how much he cares about what I have to say. Then it turned into an angry outburst that Nick didn’t see coming.

Nick: We were just chatting at the end of the day. Jen had shared a lot of what was going on with her day, then said to me “ok, now how about your day?” I gave a longer answer than “my day was fine,” though not nearly as much as she’d shared. When I finished, Jen asked a short question that reminded me of something else about the day. (My brain works that way, sometimes needing a little nudge for a new box to open). I started to say, “yeah, that reminds me of another thing…” and then Jen lashed out at me, telling me that I needed to be willing to share more with her and not just listen. I did not get where this was coming from, and we didn’t figure it out that night either. Instead, we went to bed still disconnected from each other.

Reconnection

Jen: In order to get through this, I had to recognize and come to grips with the fact that this is a pattern of behavior that will probably rear its ugly head from time to time. I’m not perfect, and though I try to be accountable for my actions in our relationship, sometimes I fail. It takes humility and a desire to get back to being connected to take a big disconnect and keep it from being a wrecking ball in our relationship. When I chose to open up and dig into what the real problem was, it sparked a productive conversation that makes me feel grateful for what Nick and I have built.

Nick: We settled for an uneasy peace and didn’t have a discussion until a couple days later. When it came down to it, I had allowed my work phone to be a distraction from listening to Jen a few days before the disconnect, while we were on a date. We talked about trying to handle these moments in real time more. We also discussed how I can be clear where my attention is in the rare cases where there is a true emergency at work that I must attend to.

Don’t Let Your Old Habits have the Last Word

We don’t have the answer to the question as to why married couples continue to fall into the same trap again and again, but we do want to encourage you to keep on fighting those battles, because the joy and gratefulness is still real when you get through it – and your marriage is worth fighting for.