Making Up is Hard to Do

If you’re married, you’ve experienced conflict with your spouse.  It’s inevitable in any relationship. Usually, this happens unintentionally – often over the littlest things. Most conflicts are a result of unmet expectations: I expected “this”, but “that” happened.  One, or both of us, ends up feeling disrespected or hurt.

Tensions Are Triggers

Janine: 

Years ago, we were expecting company, and I was scurrying around tidying up.  Ken asked what he could do to help so I asked him to put away the clean dishes.  I then continued dashing around in panic mode because, after all, if the house is a mess our friends might think less of us (especially ME.)  😨 
A few minutes went by, and Ken hadn’t started putting away dishes yet.  I scoffed and started doing it myself.  He said, “I was just about to do that.”  I snapped back, “I needed it done now!” 

Temperatures Rising

Ken:  

I couldn’t believe she had just asked me to do something, then started doing it herself AND jumped down my throat too!  The atmosphere was tense. I left the kitchen and started arranging throw pillows on the couch. 

Janine: 

Yes, I realized I’d been nasty towards Ken. But I was “stuck” in the heat of the moment, thinking of all kinds of reasons NOT to admit that I was being unreasonable. My attitude was that ‘I had a right to be angry’. Didn’t he see how urgent it was to get the house ready?  

Ken: 

I felt angry. The more I thought about it, the more upset I was. I had done nothing wrong… she had. I decided to keep my distance, knowing that whatever I said right now would just make things worse.  

Priorities

Janine: 

Eventually I calmed down and realized I had let my ‘need for the approval’ of friends become more important than Ken. I had a choice to make…I could do nothing and just let time pass hoping we would both gradually forgot about the whole incident or take responsibility for my inappropriate behavior.  It didn’t matter so much, if the house was messy. What mattered was the wound in our relationship that needed to be healed. 

I wish I could say it happened sooner, but it wasn’t until later that night after our guests were gone that I went to Ken.  I acknowledged that my ‘over the top’ expectations about getting the house clean had been out of line.  More importantly, I told him I was sorry and asked him to forgive me.   

Putting Things Back Together

Ken: 

We both admitted we could have handled the situation better and I forgave Janine. As my mood softened, we talked and were able to go to sleep snuggling rather than sleeping on opposite sides of the bed.   

Janine: 

Swallowing my pride can be SO DIFFICULT.  Making up is HARD to do!  It’s not about who’s right or wrong… it’s about the fact that there was division between us that needed to be healed. 

The Bottom Line

 If you’re dealing with bigger hurts or problems in your marriage, the need for forgiveness and healing is the same. Remember… Our relationship is more important than any issue!!! 

For more on this topic, check out:
Forgiveness and Healing
Confronting for the Sake of Our Relationship   
Barriers to Forgiveness and Healing in Relationships