Who Wants More Sex?

In pretty much every marriage, there’s one spouse who has a stronger sex drive than the other…

Our Journey

Ken:     

Typically, it’s us men who are more interested in sex: that’s how it is for me. I remember attending a marriage conference long ago where a woman raised her hand to ask a question.  She explained that SHE wanted to make love more often than her husband, and this was a struggle for them.  I couldn’t believe it.  I wondered what it would be like to be married to a woman who wanted more sex.  

Janine: 

For years, I just didn’t understand why sex was such a big deal.  Once the honeymoon had worn off for us, I could “take it or leave it.”  Sex was something that rarely crossed my mind.  For many years the mismatch between Ken’s level of desire vs mine was a source of tension between us.  Making love was almost the last thing on my long list of priorities. 

Ken:   

I just couldn’t understand Janine’s lack of physical desire. But finally, I came to understand that Janine’s lackluster desire had nothing to do with her love for me or attraction toward me. Reading a couple of books on married sex did help to get us on the same page and got us kick-started again. (Read: “7 Tips to Improve Your Sex Life”) Reading a few pages per night was a pretty good aphrodisiac! 😉

Janine: 

We had many long talks and tried to understand each other’s perspectives as well as each other’s needs.   I came to the point where I finally understood that my lack of interest in making love was not only hurting Ken, but it was also hurting our relationship.  I made the decision to express my love for Ken by responding to his initiations or better yet, doing the initiating. Changing our thinking about physical intimacy from “sex” to “making love” has made a big difference for both of us.   

   

Sometimes You Need Some Help 

For some, past sexual abuse or trauma will require the help of professional counseling (Read: Sexual Trauma and Its Effects on Marriage)  Sometimes there are medical problems that require the help of a doctor. Other times, there are deep relationship problems that overshadow not only sex, but everything in your life together.  

Gotta Talk About It… 

As uncomfortable as it was for us to talk about sex, we needed to address it.  We needed to DO the WORK of learning about each other’s needs and communicating our expectations.  Uprooting whatever uncomfortable, unhealthy ideas the world has given us about sex is worth the work.  

It’s Kind Of a Big Deal 

Married Love is so profound it cannot be expressed only in words.   Physical intimacy does something profound to us. It’s SO intertwined with our emotional intimacy and the overall health of our marriage. Have that talk today  (Read: “Let’s Talk about Sex”)