Making Decisions as a Couple is a 3-Legged Race

We make several thousand decisions a day. Most are based on experience and intuition — like putting your pants on one leg at a time. But making decisions as a couple requires skill, like a 3-Legged Race. Here are some tips to cross the finish line with skin and joints intact.

First, Some Ground Rules for Making Decisions as a Couple

• MF: Don’t let your spouse make all the decisions. Deferring to strengths, like deciding between curly or flat leaf parsley is OK. BUT, ‘You pay the bills and I’ll do the shopping’ has caution signs all over it. It’s a slippery slope between ‘Leadership’ and ‘Control’.
• TOM: Attempting to convince your spouse they’d be better off, if . . . typically doesn’t work. For example, we recently made the decision to purchase a new truck.
  • I tried: “We won’t have to worry about the old one breaking down on a deserted country road.”
  • MF replied: “Your old one hasn’t deserted us yet.”
  • Another try: “We probably won’t see prices like this again for awhile.”
  • MF’s reply: “Remember, we just ordered new doors for the house.”
  • Again: “Even with the extended bed it fits in the garage.”
  • MF: “So does the old one.”
  • Tom: Short story: The old truck died. Long story: We made the decision to buy a new truck. The Kicker: Who knew it would be the multi-flex tailgate that MF fell in love with!
• MF: Non-Decision Making. Non-Decision Making has it’s own acronym, “NDM”. OMG! I often know when I have all the necessary information to make a decision. It is like placing the last piece in a jig-saw puzzle. But, when there isn’t a perfect solution, it is easy to fall back on indecision. Not deciding is deciding and the entire process and results can be painful.

3 Very Different Ways to Make Decisions as a Couple

1. Making Big Life Decisions Without Regret in 3 Simple Steps

MF: This article helped us “get off the dime” when struggling with when to start a back yard renovation. After reading it, we simply called our Landscaper who gave us a thumbs up to begin deconstruction whenever. He reassured us he was on target to complete the project this summer. Tom was worried about a torn up back yard and ‘What if the new landscape doesn’t proceed as proposed?‘ ‘What if it rains in July?‘ (If it does, we’ll deal with it together.) This 3-step technique gave both of us the confidence to get started. This article is well written and will empower anyone’s decision-making skills.

2. On the other extreme . . .

TOM: On the other extreme, there are books written about Making Decisions as a Couple with chapters detailing many steps. Here are 10 Steps for Making Decisions as a Couple that we find helpful. While these multiple steps can be helpful in making decisions as an individual (who thrives on process), multiple steps can be cumbersome as a couple. I can always think of one more thing to consider, but once MF has done her research, she is off to the races. Multiple steps can create tension in our couple decision making.

3. We end with the analogy: Making Decisions as a Couple is a 3-Legged Race

MF: Decisions as a married couple impact us as a couple (obviously). But they also impact us as individuals, which is what we love about the 3-Legged Race analogy.

• A good decision will have both of our dreams in it. This is the conjoined limb. With both of our dreams in it, we are more likely to be fully invested. If it goes well, we share in the satisfaction; if not, we share in the disappointment.
• We often have independent goals and desires that are important and different from our spouse. Think of those individual goals as the 2 outer independent limbs. A good strategy in a 3-Legged Race is to lead with the strength in the conjoined limb and use the outer limbs for balance and speed. Warning: a lot of baggage in the 2 individual limbs can be cumbersome.
• Finally, it is important in a 3-Legged Race to place your arm around each other for balance and support.

Here is Our 3-Legged Race Story:

MF: 2 years ago we made the decision as a couple to close our private medical practice and join a hospital-based practice. It was a tough decision as we had been jointly caring for patients for 38 years.

You may have never owned a business, but you may have made a substantial job change. This process works well in buying a home, remodeling a room, purchasing a new vehicle when you no longer need that mini-van, or even deciding on a new pet.

Back to our 3-Legged Race:

• Our Combined Dream was to continue to work as a couple and to provide quality care for our patients.
• My goals (MF): My greatest desire was to eliminate the stress of managing a business and to earn a salary doing what I love. I had to let go of my desire to start a Woman’s Health Clinic which was not going to be a priority during a pandemic.
• My goals (Tom): I knew this was the right thing to do, but it was hard giving up a lifelong goal of being independent in my own business. I wanted to help build this new practice so our patients would be established in a growing practice when we retired.
• Support and Balance: There was plenty of room for support and balance as we lost independence in joining corporate medicine. We had to adjust to a new Electronic Medical Record and to new staff. 3-day weekends are a bonus; but 10-hour workdays are long. We’ve yet to cross the finish line, but our joints are intact and most importantly we still like each other!

We encourage you to Make that Decision as a Couple. Write your own 3-Legged Race story. Be Creative. Accept that a good decision made together as a couple may not look like what either of you initially proposed. Winners adjust, balance and support each other all the way to the finish line.

We leave you with strong words from Yogi Berra: “When you come to a fork in the road – take it!” In the long run, how you make your decision as a couple and support each other to the finish line may be more important than which fork you take.