Is “Being Right” Really Right?

John: “Being right” is a quality that I find irresistible.  I often feel compelled to establish my “rightness” about something, even when I have that small voice of conscience telling me that adopting that attitude can be hurtful to Julie and our relationship.  This can crop up in small everyday little things, like the best route to take on a local drive, or bigger things, like how to handle a difficult situation with a family member or friend. “I’m right,” whether spoken outright or evidenced by my behavior, has caused a lot of dissent in our relationship over the years. 

The thing about me “being right” when we don’t see eye to eye is that it implies that Julie is “wrong,” or that I am a winner and she is a loser.  Do I really want Julie to be wrong, or worse yet, think she is a loser?  “Being right” can throw up temporary walls of defensiveness and hurt, damaging Julie’s self-esteem.   

 Julie: I have to admit this is something that I can improve upon as well.  Just this week, John and I were preparing a meal together and I gently corrected some of the steps he had taken, believing that my way was the “right” way.  This caused John hurt and frustration, which I could tell by his curt response of, “What did I do wrong this time?” After I realized what I had done, I made a conscious effort to work more closely with John as we finished the meal prep and accepted some of his ways of doing things.’ I assured him that he didn’t do anything wrong – it just wasn’t the way that I normally do it.  I rediscovered that there is more than one “right” way to get to our final destination!

John: So, really, how important is being right?  Obviously, it can be critical if there is a safety issue at hand, or a significant relationship or even financial-related disaster that would occur with a wrong step.  Most of the time, however, it’s the everyday, I’ve-always-done-it-this-way stuff that causes an issue.  But what’s more important – being right or being in harmony in my relationship with Julie?  It’s much more important to show respect for her thoughts, feelings, and actions.  This frequently means that a little humility is called for as I strive to put our relationship first and put my ”rightness” aside.   Awareness is the first step, followed by accepting responsibility for my actions and words.   When the “I’m right” urge arises, I try to think of our relationship first and ask myself if this will matter tomorrow – and then act out of love rather than selfishness.  Making that decision to love requires work and diligence, but I am happy to report that progress is being made!

Julie: I can tell that John is really working on this being right “bugaboo” in our relationship, and I appreciate his efforts.  I’m trying, too, as I recognize that “being right” isn’t always right.  It’s hurtful and destructive, and it keeps us from reaching our destination together.  We can all benefit from looking in the mirror, doing a little self-examination, and choosing to put love first, miles ahead of “being right.”