F.I.N.E.

We all know the scenario . . . How was your day?

Fine. Yours?

O.K. (Silence . . .). Where’s the remote?

There’s no shorter lie than F.I.N.E.

MF: You may have seen the socially appropriate acronym for “Fine: as: Frustrated. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional. We have read the average person voices some version of this lie 4 times a day. Do the math . . . that is 1,460 times a year or 87,600 times by the age of 60.

Here are 5 simple steps to get beyond “fine” when you check in with each other at the end of the day.

Step #1: Embrace. Nothing more said.

Step #2: Spice it up.

TOM: If you ask the same old Question, you get the same old Answer. After a good long embrace, I sometimes follow fine with, “Really? How was your day?” I find a personal, caring question will unlock the door to MF’s heart. Here are some of my favorites:

What surprised you the most?
If you could live it over, what would you do differently?
What did you struggle with? What drained you?
Who lifted you up?
What did you most appreciate about your day?
How did I effect your day?
(Click here for 50 Questions besides “How was your day?”)

Step #3: Be present.

MF: Things to consider:

Unplug. Sit close. Hold hands and go for a walk. Do the dishes side by side. No other multi-tasking allowed. Make each other your focus.
I look at Tom. If I don’t, then my eyes (and mind) wander. My body language is a dead giveaway that my attention is divided.
Create a safe space. I un-clutter my mind from judgments and resentments — all of the negative stuff. (“What did you do all day?” Or “It took you how long . . .?” are loaded questions.)
I make it my goal to LISTEN simply to UNDERSTAND. Listening to persuade is a no-no.

Step #4: Be vulnerable.

TOM:

Being vulnerable is being honest. It is setting aside my fears and trusting MF. This is not for sissies.
To engage MF in conversation, I must be patient and allow her to think through her answers. Sometimes one question results in a detailed conversation. Sometimes, I need to be creative and come up with a few more to get a good conversation going. That’s OK. Questions are like gifts. It’s the thought behind them that counts.
Asking questions adds another layer of vulnerability. I never know how MF might respond. Being vulnerable is being open to MF’s response.
My goal is to see her day through her eyes. To just be there for her and she for me — No ‘fixing’ unless specifically asked.