Our "One of a Kind" Marriage

Our marriage is one of a kind. While we’re two people who have come from different places, we put together our past and present influences to become something new.

Looking Inside My Family of Origin

Jen: Family of origin has had a strong influence on our marriage. My parents stayed married throughout my childhood. I saw elements of disharmony, but since my parents were still together, I brushed off any worry. When I was in college, my parents divorced. The disharmony had gotten worse over time, and I figured this must be the natural progression of marriage. I met Nick not long after my parents split, and we got serious pretty quickly. My assumption was that if we eventually grew apart, that it was just the way things were.

Spring forward into our marriage a few years later and I started to wonder if the same things that pulled my parents apart were now creeping into our marriage. But here’s the thing… we were not my parents. I had to seriously consider what we were about so that I could visualize what I wanted our marriage to look like. I’m sure we have both brought elements of our families of origin into our marriage. Taking those elements and creating something new in our relationship was the key.

Looking Outside to Other Couples

Nick: Outside influences can also frame our expectations of how our marriage should be. For example, I tend to assume the outward harmony I see in other marriages is real. If they look happy all the time, they must be. So something must be wrong with us when we’re not happy all the time. Assuming this, I tend to gather slights and offenses like I’m some kind of scorekeeping wound collector. I can fall into a comparison trap that doesn’t bring us any closer.

All of that dwelling on others’ relationships can be counterproductive for our marriage. There is no couple in the world like us. Even if they were as perfect as I imagined (and they’re not), their approach would at best only be a perfect fit for their relationship and not ours. So what I really need to do is focus on Jen and being the best husband and friend I can be for her. I choose to trust she will be the best wife she can be for me as well. Assume good intent all around and run with that.

Embracing Uniqueness

It’s scientific. The odds of you existing are about 1 in 400 trillion (or lower), so the odds of any other couple in the universe being just like you are even lower than that. Embrace the uniqueness of your relationship and explore it together as a couple.