You Say Goodbye and I Say Hello

You say good-bye and I say hello (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rblYSKz_VnI) is more than just an old Beatles song. Saying good-bye is rarely easy. Whether it be to a loved one in death, a move to a new city, a child going off to college, or changing jobs, good-byes are almost always painful. How we move through our good-byes can bring us closer to each other or pull us apart.

Karen: I remember a particularly painful good-bye when we moved to a new city for Scott’s job. I grieved hard for the loss of being close to extended family, dear friends, a church I loved, and even the old house we lived in. I struggled to share my pain with Scott as he was so excited about the move. He was focused on the ‘hello’ while I was focused on the ‘good-bye.’

Scott: I was indeed excited about my new job, our new town, and leaving our money-pit of a house.  And I so wanted Karen to share my excitement. I remember trying to talk her out of her pain, focusing on the positives. I wanted her to feel what I was feeling and, in the process, I rejected her feelings. We began to drift (or rather speed) away from each other. My excitement turned to fear and confusion. It was during a difficult conversation that came to see what I was doing and began to truly listen to her and feel her pain. This allowed Karen the opportunity to move through her grief and eventually say hello to our new town.

Karen: Fast-forward to today. We recently made the difficult decision to sell our RV. Camping has been a big part of our life for over thirty years. Our children and grandchildren have experienced the joy of telling stories around a campfire, roasting marshmallows, and enjoying nature. In our retirement, the two of us travelled and shared experiences we will treasure forever. While we are both at peace with this decision, I admit to shedding many tears during this process—not for the camper itself, but for the end of this huge part of our lives.

Scott: This good-bye was different for us.  I listened to Karen from the start. While this goodbye was much harder for her than for me, I allowed myself to see her pain and even let myself feel it right along with her.  It did not detract from my excitement of moving into a new phase of our lives, but it also did not detract from our relationship.

Karen: Because Scott allowed me time to grieve, listened and understood my feelings, we were able to move through our grief together and say ‘hello’ together to the next part of our lives. We were united in our good-bye and united in our hello.

Some people linger in the pain of good-bye. Others are quick with their good-bye and eager to say hello. Neither is right and neither is wrong. How do you move through your good-byes? Do you allow yourselves time to grieve? Do you listen to each other, or do you expect the other to feel just like you feel?