Are We Scrolling by Our Relationship?

The convenience our smartphones provide has come at a cost that we all feel. We see it when we’re out in public, with people staring at their phones rather than paying attention to their loved ones. One way of recognizing the problem with this comes from Drs. John and Julie Gottman – identifying how we make “bids” for attention from our partners. Paying attention to our cell phones makes it likely we’ll miss those bids and end up hurting each other.

Missing Bids

Nick: Jen is most likely to miss a bid of mine when she’s on her phone at the beginning of the day. For example, when she’s playing a game on her phone and I’ve just awakened, I may turn toward her and say “good morning.” When she doesn’t answer or she says “good morning” without so much as looking at me, I feel dejected. I don’t appreciate it when I make a bid for Jen’s attention, and it’s disregarded.

Jen: Nick is most likely to miss a bid of mine after we have left a social gathering and I’m driving home. I’m an extrovert, so leaving a gathering like that I’m usually still energized and in the mood to chat. If Nick starts scrolling through his cell phone as we’re driving away, my energy turns to disappointment in the silence that follows. My disappointment turns to irritation the longer the silence goes unbroken.

Catching Bids

Nick: One way I can make sure I’m aware of Jen’s bids is to recognize I’m far from being a multi-tasker. If I’m looking at my phone, sometimes I won’t even hear her. I can make sure that more bids come through if I leave my cellphone in my pocket when we’re in the car. I can also set limits by charging it outside of our bedroom at night, where it cannot be a temptation for my attention.

Jen: I have a tendency to assume Nick knows I’m listening to him even if I continue to do what I’m doing on my phone. In reality, I’m not really listening to him, even if I hear what he has said. In order to make sure I’m aware of Nick’s bids, I need to look at him when he is speaking and engage with him. One thing that helps is if I deliberately turn the screen on my phone off when Nick tries to start a conversation with me.

Mastering Bids – Deal Me In

The Gottman article says the big difference between relationship masters and relationship disasters is the response to the little bids for attention from partners. As the article says – “Simply put, successful couples are attentive. They listen, and they put their phones down when the other person wants to chat.” That is the challenge for all of us – will we be masters or disasters? How many of our partners’ bids will we scroll by?