I Can’t Change My Spouse

Be honest. How many of us find ourselves wondering “how much better would my marriage be, if not for the obvious shortcomings of the person I’m married to?” If only I could change my spouse! But the hard truth is, I can’t.

She’s Just Like Me

Nick: Early in our marriage, I expected that deep down Jen was just like me. Seems naïve now, but that’s the truth. It took some time for me to learn we are not like each other in some pretty important ways. For example, orderliness really does not matter that much to me, but it does to Jen. So, I kept expecting her to be like me and not worry about a little messiness.

It wasn’t until one time we decided to talk about it. Our discussion started with the question “how do I feel when I walk into the house?” For me, it was an overwhelmingly positive feeling, seeing her, seeing our kids, and walking into our lived-in home. But Jen doesn’t see what I see when she walks into the house. She sees all the clutter and hears the chaos hitting her from all sides. It’s not a positive feeling for Jen at all, more like the sound of nails on a chalkboard.

That was my first wake-up call. We’re so different we don’t even see the same things when we’re standing right next to each other. This is why we keep communication lines open and ask for each others’ perspectives.

Endearments to Irritants

Jen: Many things drew me to Nick and enticed me into dating, engagement, and marriage. Nick was always so thought-filled and contemplative, and he always thought through his words before he spoke. He was such an intellectual and I LOVED it.

Fast-forward a few years, and that same thought-filled demeanor began to get under my skin a bit. Nick took longer to decide what to say than most people do. In our chaotic world of children and the busyness of life, I became less patient with Nick’s need to take his time preparing his words. That same thing that had drawn me to him was making me itch with impatience.

At some point we broached this subject of Nick’s slowness of response. I came to understand that it is very important to Nick to only say things that make sense and are valid. He places a high value on using the correct word in the moment. I had never realized how much this mattered to him. Now I try harder to sit back and wait it out when Nick is thinking of a response to me. Quite honestly, that quirky trait that had appeal and then became irritating, became endearing once again because I took the time to understand the person behind the words.

Repeat After Me: I Can’t Change My Spouse

So we go back to the original question, “how much better would my marriage be, if not for the obvious shortcomings of the person I’m married to?” The reality is that the ways that we are different can make us stronger, and the ways that we aggravate each other can lead to a better understanding of each other. The key is in the decision to NOT try to change our spouse, but to get to know him/her better, and in doing so we are building the foundation for a stronger marriage.