Marriage is a Minefield

We walked into marriage blissfully unaware of any danger. Although we did get advice from more seasoned couples, nobody warned us that marriage is a minefield.

Careless Early Explosions

Jen: When we had only been married for about three years, we stepped on one of our first big landmines. It started out as a conversation about balancing the checkbook. We took turns with this task and looking at our finances so we both could see how our money was spent, but our perspectives were different. Nick was the main breadwinner while I was the main caretaker at home. Our different responsibilities made us biased to our own perspectives. Instead of it being a conversation about finances, it ended up being a conversation about how much we trust each other to spend responsibly and stay within budget. Talk about a minefield! It was our first big lesson in discovering the many ways in which we are different and think differently.

Just When You Thought You Were in the Clear

Nick: Along the way we have traversed many other minefields. You might think that 20+ years later, we’d be in the clear, but you’d be wrong, very, very wrong. The perils of having adult children living at home while we’re coming out of the COVID pandemic is the latest of the mines we are contending with. Jen and I have some differences of opinion to fully explore and work through.

Despite my cautious intent to work as a team with Jen on this area, it seems I am unwittingly stepping on every adult child at home “mine” I can find. It’s like I’m playing the minesweeper game on expert level but I’m a novice ability. Thankfully, we still have lots of areas where we are on the same page. We can agree to take a step back for a breather now and then before going back to treading through the minefield.

Minefield Tips, Tricks…

In times like these, we take some time to remember the tools we’ve found along the way: We are on the same team; we give each other the benefit of the doubt; and the secret to happy marriage we’ve shared (tongue in cheek) before. Recalling the mines we’ve stepped on and the forgiveness and healing we’ve managed also gives us hope we will make it through the latest ones we’re facing.

…and Statistics

A well-ranked study of the reasons why couples get divorced provides a fine inventory of the kinds of mines we could step on. Beyond the reasons themselves, the most telling statistic to us was this disparity. About 70% of people believed their spouse should have worked harder to save their marriages. Yet only 30% or so believed that they, personally, should have worked harder. For those of us who just don’t want to go there, it’s a good lesson to keep in mind. We are all the heroes in our own stories, but is self-assurance keeping us from doing our best to stay vigilant and look out for the landmines? Best to open our eyes and stay focused to keep from becoming a statistic.