Not All Habits Are Bad

The word habit is often seen in a negative context. But not all habits are bad and building good habits in your marriage can make you stronger as a couple.

Challenging Bad Habits

Jen: I have developed, fostered, and/or conquered many habits over time, both good and bad. Diets, parenting behaviors, methods of house-cleaning and work-ethics – all of these can be considered habits.

In our marriage I’ve developed habits, too. Some habits have been bad ones, like my habit of being stubborn when my mother-in-law visits because I assume she is going to spoil our kids. I am unpleasant in general and tend to be disgruntled at Nick, even though he’s done nothing wrong. Recognizing that I fall into this habit is, for me, the first step in conquering it.

Nick: Like Jen, I have some habits that aren’t good for our relationship. For example, when I’m stressed, I have a habit of shutting down. This results in misunderstandings, impatience, and snippy-ness. I can see this habit and its effects in real-time, yet I’m still unable (or perhaps unwilling) to change it. Its like I’m “beside myself” watching the predictable outcome of this habit. Knowing better than to shut down isn’t enough to break it. Instead, I have to be willing to give Jen some kind of “in” when I’m shut down and just admit I’m doing it.

Nurturing Good Habits

Jen: Other habits are the good kind – the kind you want to keep going. For instance, our habit of connecting with each other alone every day is one that helps keep our foundation strong. No matter how busy we are or how separate our activities, even when Nick is traveling, we make a point of stopping what we are doing and just focusing on each other for at least 20 minutes each day. It’s not a time when we discuss logistics and details, but rather, it is a time for re-grouping and just “being” together.

Nick: Thankfully, some of my habits in our relationship are also good ones. Making a point of putting aside all distractions to listen carefully to Jen is one example. Jen is an extrovert, so I know she needs to work things out by talking. I’m grateful that she can also help us reconnect. All I have to do is take the time to listen and clarify I understand what she’s trying to say to me. It sounds simple, but it’s taken a while to build up this habit, especially when I’m tempted to defend myself as she’s speaking.

A Habits Exercise

We encourage you to reflect on your habits with a little exercise:

• List all of your good habits that impact your relationship. Circle the one you’re most proud of and want to nurture. Then ask your spouse to circle their favorite good habit too.
• Reinforce each other’s efforts to develop good relationship habits.