Married Singles

How do you find the right balance of couple time versus individual time? Sports, times with friends/co-workers, Facebook/Pinterest, hunting….  There are a lot of fun activities that can keep us busy – and distracted.  None of these activities are bad or wrong in themselves.  But… do they draw us slowly away from our spouse?

Janine:  When we were first married, we spent as much time together as possible.  Gradually, my need to stay organized and caught up on my to-do list became more important than going to bed at the same time as Ken.  When I started to feel unappreciated, I decided to pour myself into my job. Although there wasn’t anything wrong with these activities, I was choosing them for the wrong reasons.

Ken:  After a few years of marriage and a couple of kids, time at home wasn’t as fun as it used to be.  I joined a softball team.  I found time to go golfing with friends.  When I was at home, it was more fun to play with the kids than spend time with Janine.

Whether we’re just enjoying fun activities, or trying to compensate for what’s lacking in our relationship, finding fulfillment outside our marriage leads us back to the attitudes and behaviors we had as single people – living as a “Married Single”.  It’s not so much the activities as the underlying attitude/motivation we need to look at.

When we realized we were on a path of slowly growing apart, we talked things through.  We had forgotten what our priorities were.  We had a healthy fear of our kids someday moving away, only to find we’d become strangers in our own home, so we decided to be intentional about putting us first.  We started working together on planning our schedule, with plenty of quality time for ‘us’ (though it was still limited with 3 kids and 2 work schedules).  While it’s been challenging to keep our relationship a priority, the payoff has been more than worth it.  Now, as empty-nesters, we’re enjoying each other more than ever.

The Married Singles trap is a trap we can all fall into, but are wise to avoid if we want our relationship to be the best it can be.