Sleeping with the Loser

Jen – I used to think that every fight had a winner and a loser. When you think about this in the context of marriage, it means that after a fight, someone has to sleep with the loser. We propose that there is a better way to fight so that both spouses win.

Losing on Valentine’s Day

Nick – Recently, Jen and I were at a church gathering on Valentine’s Day. The whole point of the event was to celebrate marriage anniversaries. Ironically, we had a misunderstanding toward the end of the celebration. I believed it was a simple mix-up and that Jen was wrong to read anything into it. We were giving each other the silent treatment, and I was preparing to prove Jen was going to be the loser.

Jen – Our simple mix-up blew up into a giant issue in my head. I was full of self-righteousness and hurt, which I nursed fervently. I was convinced that Nick had intentionally disregarded my feelings and instead of asking him, I stewed. This is the best way to dig yourself in deep to a misunderstanding. As the celebration ended and we went outside to mingle with others and chat, I felt phony and worn down. I wanted nothing more than to get in the car and drive away.

Nick – Driving away from the event, I realized that I needed to be more concerned about our relationship than I was about being right. I broke the ice by just saying “I can’t do this. I know you’re upset.” This was a sort of cry from the heart. I didn’t know how the conversation would go, and I didn’t want to browbeat Jen into just shutting down. Instead, we got to have an awkward reacquainting sort of conversation where we both dared to exchange what we experienced earlier. We trusted each other to share not in the form of accusations, but from a perspective of “this is what I saw” and “this is how I took it” and, importantly, “I could be wrong.”

Jen – This was not an easy conversation to have. There were so many emotions involved, but the key factor is that in being willing to have the awkward conversation, we are confronting the issue for the sake of our relationship. This doesn’t mean that we excuse bad behavior. It means that we work with each other to find ways to understand each other better because at the end of the day, our relationship needs to be more important than any one issue.

Losers to Winners

Nick – Letting go of trying to make sure I won (and Jen lost), we both ended up winning. Instead of carrying the distance between us through the evening, we regrouped at home and made a nice Valentine’s Day dinner together. Neither of us had to sleep with a loser that night.

Reflecting on your relationship, have there been any times you wanted to make sure you were the winner? Was it worth making your lover the loser? We hope you’ll all ask these questions before you end up sleeping with a loser for the night.