3 Steps to Restore Sexual Intimacy

Whoever said the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach might have flunked anatomy or maybe geography. Sexual intimacy is a key component of a healthy marriage, and it has its challenges in every stage of life. When we hit a dry spell, we have used 3 steps to restore our sexual intimacy and avoid the slippery slope.

The Slippery Slope

Sexual intimacy extends beyond the bedroom and impacts all aspects of our relationship. That is why it is so important. When couples stop being physically intimate they face a slippery slope. Frustration, conflict and resentment build leading to loss of trust, and self-esteem. The resulting insecurity can lead to affairs and divorce.

Dry Spells Are Normal

Most marriages have dry spells when one or both would rather just not do it. That’s normal. What is abnormal and harmful to the relationship is allowing the dry spell to go on too long. (Check out this post on The Drift.)

Step #1 Seek Clarity

When we sense a dry spell, we need to pay attention, acknowledge the dry spell and seek to understand. Perhaps it is fear of pregnancy, fatigue and constant touch by babies and toddlers, or busyness which can lead to emotional distance. Illness, lack of satisfaction in love making, difficulty talking about sex and aging can also be barriers to sexual intimacy. The key element to seeking clarity is listening, asking questions. Avoid blame. Be curious. Start the conversation. Timing and setting the scene are important, too.

Step #2 Emotionally Connect

Once you have clarity through open and honest communication, it is much easier to show love and compassion. “Gee Honey, I’m sorry you had a bad day” could backfire, if you are clueless as to the issues. Empathy is walking in the other’s shoes which is pretty hard to do if you can’t even find their shoes.

Step 2 calls both of us to be vulnerable and humble in loving each other and accepting our spouse’s love even when we may not feel lovable. This may involve asking and offering forgiveness.

Step #3 Commit

M. Scott Peck describes Love as extending oneself to nurture another’s spiritual growth. Extending ourselves requires work. Reaching out of our comfort zone and making changes to right our ship takes courage.

Just as “Sorry” might backfire, so could “How can I help?” Clarity and Emotional Connection gives us the ability to make a practical offer that our spouse can’t refuse. A back rub, taking the kids to the park, fixing dinner, planning a date night or committing to a daily check-in all take effort. Trusting your favorite sports team to win a game without you cheering them on takes courage.

Committing to each other is not coercion, manipulation or a Quid Pro Quo. Make it an offer of Love and Generosity.

Our Story

MF: We recently experienced a dry spell in our sexual intimacy. We were both busy. My work had been emotionally demanding with long hours. Tom was spending time with his siblings to settle his sister’s estate following her passing as he and his siblings are her only surviving family.

Seek Clarity

TOM: When MF got home I was finishing up dinner and asked if she wanted to make love. She told me that she was exhausted and had had a hard day at work. After dinner we chose to not turn on the TV. I asked her to tell me more about her day. She was struggling to help an elderly couple with dementia and no near-by family live safely. Significant problems and no easy or cheap fix.

Emotional Connection

Tom: I chose to sit and listen and reached out with kindness, not solutions. I admitted that I had contributed to our current dry spell by staying up after MF went to bed, winding down with news and sports on the computer. It takes 2 to Tango.

Commit

MF: I knew Tom would have rather turned on the news or the NBA Tournament after dinner. I needed and appreciated his gentleness, attention. There was no quick fix. Acknowledging his role in our ‘ships passing in the night’ melted the resentment and defensiveness I had been harboring.

We did not make love that night but did so the following day. And we have made pillow talk an important part of our daily routine as well as taking advantage of my late start mornings for a little physical intimacy.

Consider these 3 steps, but do whatever it takes to keep sexual intimacy a vibrant part of your relationship. Recognize the slippery slope and fix it. You are worth it; your relationship is worth it.

For additional reading on this topic consider: