Uh Oh, I Really Stepped In It Now

It’s inevitable. At some point you’re going to experience that “Oh, crap” moment of realizing you’ve forgotten something important or done something stupid. But fear not – you’re not alone.

How I Step In It

Jen: A few weeks ago, Nick and I were driving to a meeting. He had arrived home from work, grabbed a little dinner and then we had to rush out the door. As we were driving, I asked Nick about his day and he began to open up. Being the one driving, I was also looking out the windows and the way the sun was shining through the clouds caught my eye. Without thinking, I blurted out, “Check out the sunset,” cutting Nick off mid-sentence and sending the message that I wasn’t fully listening to what he was saying. Nick seemed upset that I had interrupted, and he stopped talking.

It took me a few seconds of silence to realize Nick wasn’t going to just pick up where I had cut him off. My immediate reaction was to think, ‘well if I hadn’t pointed it out right then he wouldn’t have seen it.’ This is my classic reaction when I step in it like this – I become defensive. But as the silence stretched on, I began to feel embarrassed and remorseful.

Nick: My tale of stepping in it starts in a similar setting. Jen was driving and we were not chatting right then, so I started fiddling on my phone a bit. A few minutes later, my otherwise absorbed mind caught the tone of Jen’s voice, just in time to pick out the kind of inflection that could only mean I was being asked to weigh in or answer a question.

I don’t remember what I said – did I just admit I wasn’t listening? Did I try to fake it to make it? (I’ve done both of these before). Whatever I said, it was a total failure. I tried to rewind and restart, but Jen just said, “never mind,” and was not open to me trying to build any bridge back.

I stewed away with a self-righteous attitude. I was half frustrated at myself for not being attentive and half blaming Jen for expecting me to switch gears instantly.

How I Get My Shoes Clean

Jen: Let’s take this analogy further: the thing about stepping in it, is you also have to clean off your shoe.

After a few minutes of quiet, I asked Nick to forgive me. He didn’t immediately jump back to what he was talking about. He started hesitantly. After I prompted him with a few questions, we were able to get back into conversation. Nick’s willingness to accept my apology was a gift I do not take for granted.

Nick: After we were home again, my frustration from the phone fiddling incident cooled a bit. I decided it was best to ask for forgiveness. I put aside my judgment that I wasn’t the only one at fault. Instead, I offered that I could have checked in when I heard Jen start talking to me. She was ready to forgive me and told me so. It was the beginning of our getting back on the same page with each other, though it took some time.

Take a Step Forward

The most important part of stepping in it is not who was right or wrong. It is how you recover. This is more than just being willing to admit when you’re wrong. You also have to make your relationship and your spouse more important than your need to be right or hold a grudge. If you are the one who was hurt, you also have to be willing to forgive.