Do You Remember the Last Fight You Had?

A number of years ago we heard a presentation that began with this question: “Do you remember the last fight you had?” Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, the presenters that day, Good Fights–some thoughts from Drs Les and Leslie Parrott | ajournalofthejourney (wordpress.com) then gave the audience a few minutes to think about it and quickly share their answers with each other. We vividly remember the fight we shared:

Karen: We were sitting in a coffee shop on a beautiful afternoon. Scott had surprised me with a weekend away in New York City, a place I had dreamed of visiting since I was a child. I was thrilled to be sitting right in the heart of this vibrant city with the man I loved. Trying to share the specialness of this moment with Scott that afternoon, I could not help but notice that his eyes kept looking out the window. In exasperation, I remarked, “hey, can you look at me?”

Scott: And I will never forget my response, “these people out there are all so interesting.” Dead silence. And I mean, DEAD SILENCE.

Karen: Because what I heard was, “those people out there are way more interesting than you.”

Scott: I hate to admit it today, but I really did not get it at that moment. I mean, we were in New York City, for pity’s sake! There were some pretty interesting characters out there! But as Karen remained silent and, shall we say, cool, I pressed her. And when she finally told me what she was so hurt about, I became defensive. Karen was being unreasonable. She was accusing me of not finding her interesting and that simply was not true. Suffice it to say that our time in the coffee shop came to an abrupt end.

Karen: I am happy to say that we worked it out later that evening. We genuinely apologized to each other, asked forgiveness for hurting each other, and were able to enjoy the rest of our weekend.

This is the fight we remembered when prompted at that convention all those years ago. After which the presenters shared their research that most fights occur for two reasons: 1) perceived rejection or 2) perceived threat. Aha! There was the heart of the matter for us that afternoon. I perceived Scott was rejecting me when he was more attentive to the people outside the window than he was to me. And when I shared this with Scott, his self-worth was threatened as he perceived I was being critical of him for what he saw as his very innocent behavior.

Scott: Notice that the word “perceived” is an important part of this process. I was not intentionally rejecting Karen. And Karen was not attacking me when she shared her feelings with me. That was simply our perception. And, as the cliché goes, “perception is reality.”

All these years later, we have never forgotten this presentation. We still fall into these same patterns at times. Karen’s strong need to love and be loved leaves her vulnerable to feeling rejected, and my strong need for self-worth leaves me vulnerable to feeling defensive and threatened. But just knowing what is going on under the surface and being aware of each other’s needs helps us resolve our issues quicker and cleaner.

How about you? Do you remember your last fight? Can you identify a perceived threat or a perceived rejection? Doing so might just lead to a better resolution.