Opposing Perspectives
We can both be in the same room looking at the same situation but have remarkably different responses to whatever is going on. Our perspective can be clouded by many things. You may think you’ve been kind and loving to your spouse – but later find out that they’re feeling lonely or unloved. Your spouse may think they were respectful to you, but you think they were being patronizing or condescending. When it comes down to “he said, she said”, it’s possible that neither of you is seeing everything clearly.
How ‘Bout Some Netflix?
One of the classic moments from our marriage that demonstrates this was one evening when Ken thought he’d be thoughtful and romantic, so he suggested, “How about if we watch a movie together?”
Janine was furious, and wondered, ‘Can’t he see ALL the work that we need to get done around here?’
Neither of us had the FULL or TRUE perspective of the situation. Yes, there was work needing to get done but it could wait until tomorrow. Yes, it was thoughtful to suggest spending time together, but noticing that chores needed to be done first would have been more thoughtful.
He Said, She Said
KEN: Just a few days ago, it happened again. I had edited a Word document on the computer, not realizing that Janine had done some work on this document a few days prior. When Janine sat down to pick up where she had left off, she realized there were two separate versions of the document. Now, the work she had done needed to be copied into the document I was editing.
JANINE: I was ticked off. A task I THOUGHT was completed now needed more work. From my perspective it was all Ken’s fault, yet it didn’t seem to bother him. His work was done, so he proceeded to pull up his latest Netflix series. I had a few choice “suggestions” on how he might do things differently next time!
KEN: We went to bed mad, both thinking we’d been disrespected. We made attempts at figuring out what had happened but I still didn’t think I’d done anything wrong and Janine still thought I’d sabotaged her.
Put Down The Weapon…
JANINE: After I had time to ‘cool down’ I realized my response had been out of proportion. I was able to ‘put down my weapons,’ see the situation from Ken’s perspective and ask him for forgiveness. He also apologized for not double checking for other versions of the document. Seeing the issue from each other’s perspective helped dissolve the frustration. Then we were able to re-focus on what matters most: that WE are far more important than any issue.
Let Me Try On Your Glasses
As we genuinely try to see through our spouse’s eyes, we gradually see more clearly. We learn how our spouse sees things, which helps us avoid conflict. Seeing things from our spouse’s view helps us gradually develop empathy and insight. Let’s ask ourselves, “Am I open minded enough to look at situations from my spouse’s point of view?”
