Tip of the Iceberg

KEN:  Some years ago, we noticed a small spot of rust on our car and decided to scrape it off and re-paint it. The more I scraped away at that small rust spot the more I found.  That darn rust had grown like a cancer un-detected for who knows how long.  

Just a little crack…

JANINE:  A few months ago, I found some tiny cracks on the floorboard in our basement bedroom.  As we looked more carefully, we found mold, and water damage that had likely been going on for a few years.  Needless to say, this led to hours of work on ripping out moldy carpet, walls, landscaping, sealing cracks, and refinishing the bedroom.   

What’s really going on?

Which brings us to the topic of Marriage, where problems can creep in undetected. Some small issue leads to an argument about a seemingly trivial topic revealing something bigger brewing beneath the tip of the iceberg.   

On both the car body and the basement floorboard, all that was visible was a small irregularity. Everything looked fine, but beneath the tip of the iceberg, the car and our home were deteriorating. Problems in marriage are just like this – sometimes difficult to detect. 

Not A Big Deal…

Something as minor as a prolonged sigh, a bit of sarcasm or an eye roll could be a small symptom of something negative festering beneath the surface.  It’s easy to ignore or convince ourselves that “it’s not a big deal,” but the things within can destroy us from the inside out. Unaddressed problems can eat away at the intimacy and trust that our unity depends on. 

Drifting Apart

A few years back, we had such a blemish in our relationship. Bubbling to the surface was discontent about our sex life that led to an argument. Our less than satisfying sex life was just the tip of the iceberg of the overall emotional state of our relationship. We were running in different directions, under the disguise of “divide and conquer.” There were more times of grabbing food on the run instead of eating dinner together. And there were less conversations that meant anything more than what was the next task or appointment. In our busy-ness, we were not giving our relationship the time and attention it needed.  There was emotional distance between us. We finally had a sit-down talk to figure out what was going on. 

As we uncovered our feelings, needs, desires, and lack of closeness we found that we’d been emotionally drifting apart. Neither Ken’s need for physical intimacy nor Janine’s need for emotional intimacy were being met. We shared from the heart, listened deeply, and became focused on the importance of “us” once again.* 

Don’t Put It Off ‘Til Tomorrow

We can all benefit from looking at our fears, failures, stored up anger/resentment, addictions lust/fantasy, excess married singles activities, secrets, etc before they turn into something that causes major “structural damage.” A good question to ask ourselves: “What do we need to address before it becomes a bigger problem?” 

*To get the tools you need to help you listen, share and connect more deeply, consider attending a Worldwide Marriage Encounter. Find out more here: wwme.org