When It Doesn’t Work Out💔

One of the most jarring things you can experience as a married couple is when someone you love tells you they are getting divorced, especially when it comes unexpectedly. Recently, friends of ours told us they were planning on getting a divorce. Being told this generated a whole host of emotions and judgments.

Separation Shock

Jen –The first emotion that hit me was disbelief followed immediately by a deep sadness. My mind instantly races to what this means for their kids and their family, and I wonder what this will mean for the relationship we have with them. The second place my mind goes is blame – not blaming them but blaming myself. What if I had been proactive about encouraging them to work at their marriage? The reality is that most of the time I am passive about this with friends and family. I trust that the example of our relationship will help others, but this isn’t a direct challenge to work at relationship. Often when couples look at other relationships that seem to be working, they figure that couple just got lucky and it must be easy for them.

Nick – When a friend confides in me this way, my inclination is to listen. There is a lot of hurt, and I know I’m only hearing one perspective. But when someone has the courage to even bring their forthcoming divorce up, listening is the only thing of value I think I can offer.

Nonetheless, I end up feeling incredibly frustrated and see myself as inept. If I was a better friend, wouldn’t I have seen this coming earlier? If I had the right words, could I convince them to try again from a different perspective? Regardless, I can be a sounding board, and I try to steer the one I’m talking to back toward an openness to working at things, even when it seems hopeless.

Any Way We Can Help Each Other

Jen – So where do I take these emotions and judgments from here? For me, first and foremost is to be loving. Second, like Nick said, is being a good listener and being available. Third is respecting their privacy and their journey. And it’s ok to be sad, but projecting disappointment is the same as judging. But beyond all this, can I help? Can I learn new ways to be a better friend from this? Recently, we were part of a marriage enrichment day. The final presentation of the day was about constantly working at your relationship by seeking out things to help you enrich and grow your connectedness. If I can stand up and tell strangers how they can keep their relationship growing, I sure as heck should be able to find ways to do it for my friends.

Nick – The world’s advice for marriage is not good for couples serious about staying together. We have set a backward standard from what would help this. On the one hand, when your marriage is troubled, that’s expected to be nobody else’s business. On the other hand, when you announce you’re getting a divorce, everyone is encouraged to come out of the woodwork to support you. Now, I’m not saying it’s wrong to support a friend when they’re going through a divorce. We should do that in those circumstances. It just seems like there should be a better middle ground than just staying on the sidelines before a divorce. It’s hard. There are no easy answers.

We know this story is one many of our readers have seen and lived through with their friends and in their own families. Your comments, advice, and stories are most welcome here.